May 3, 2015


I understand, that my current resolve is not going to take me anywhere. I also, fully understand, that this could be more taxing once the fog is clear. I understand, that this is not a healthy habit to keep in the sphere of emotional intelligence. I understand, that the only way to change this, is only by taking an active effort to talk about it and meet the other person halfway. But right now, the most important thing that matters to me is, to survive.

I will have regrets, maybe. I will curse the past version of me for being so passive in dealing with this, maybe. I will question myself, on the decisions I have made, and whether those decisions are the ones I have taken after I rationally weight them, maybe. I will ask myself, why didn't you take the hard road and resolve it even if it will cost your sanity, maybe.

But when for far too long you have been so tired with these emotional dispute, sometimes that lethargy strips you the ability to claim entitlement to decide or claim anything in a relationship. You have reached a plateau and that's when things get, incomprehensible. Nothing ever makes sense. What your defense system will want to do at that point is only to survive. Do you opt for survival, which will definitely save you from any emotional entanglement but cost you the relationship, or do you take the hard road, that will put you on an emotional struggle for a long time until you are able to change your habit in dealings with all these things, and maybe potentially could save that relationship? Mind you, habits don't take overnight to change. And these emotional struggle may cost your other aspects of life at that point of time. By that, I mean, the years of it. 

At that moment, your rationality might opt for survival for on the balance of probability, the only reasonable thing left to your ability is to ignore. 

And unfortunately I don't get to claim the privilege of the bliss. This, I have experienced.

Some people may don't get this. They might want to push you further for your sake. I don't blame them. As a matter of fact, I feel honoured to even be considered of such a care. We all have different level of emotional intelligence. While I do agree that we must continuously make an active effort to improve it, unfortunately not all of us can cope up with the pace of a sprint. Some make better improvement by just walking. If you force me to sprint, it might jeopardize my legs in the long run. I might end up sitting on a wheelchair.