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Showing posts from 2015

#2

So reality has dawned on me. That, I did not graduate with 3.75 above. That, securing scholarships is really really really difficult. That, alternative financial assistance is also, meh. That, any chance of pursuing masters abroad might be impossible to nil. That, by the end of the day, maybe my life is never destined for greatness. It will just pass as a normal life, in which I have already accumulated foreboding disappointments. No, don't get me wrong. Just because I am disappointed it doesn't mean that I am sad. My disappointments, I believe, do not in any way prevent me from having a good life. It's just a phase. I am just reconciling with the facts of life, the reality of it, and the fact that there's nothing much I can do about it. And above all, in the process of accepting that, I tell myself it is absolutely fine if you can't get everything that you want. that, despite the glitch I am still very much blessed for everything that I have now. And,

#1

I'm back on blog because I have more time to spare. And also because, well, I'm bored.       It's a bit funny, I remember when I was in my final semester, I was dying to have some break. Typing random mental lexicons to fit in a few pages of assignments, I occasionally took a stretch and rolled my eyes only to find a stack of books at the corner, looking at me, longing for some touch. And as I was looking for supporting articles scattered in the documents folder, random movie folder calling me. At that time, how I wish I can have more time, to read those books I have recklessly (but never a waste) purchased at the BBW.      And now, when I actually have time to spare for movies, books, Korean dramas that only emboldens the damsel in distress narrative, I didn't actually, productively use the time to do things that I occasionally say "Omg if only i have more time I can do this and that". Na. My reading was not that progressive. The movies are still the

Bliss

I understand, that my current resolve is not going to take me anywhere. I also, fully understand, that this could be more taxing once the fog is clear. I understand, that this is not a healthy habit to keep in the sphere of emotional intelligence. I understand, that the only way to change this, is only by taking an active effort to talk about it and meet the other person halfway. But right now, the most important thing that matters to me is, to survive. I will have regrets, maybe. I will curse the past version of me for being so passive in dealing with this, maybe. I will question myself, on the decisions I have made, and whether those decisions are the ones I have taken after I rationally weight them, maybe. I will ask myself, why didn't you take the hard road and resolve it even if it will cost your sanity, maybe. But when for far too long you have been so tired with these emotional dispute, sometimes that lethargy strips you the ability to claim entitlement to decide or

321

Sometimes I see things even when I do not want to (no guys I am not talking about supernatural circumstances haha). Sometimes, I am not sure if understanding emotional rides of myself, and of other people is a blessing or a curse. Sometimes, I would also like to seek refuge in the safe haven of ignorance is bliss, but the privilege that has been bestowed to knowing other people is too much of a paramount consciousness to ignore. 

Sometimes

Sometimes, when you have overwhelming feelings that you can’t verbalize, you resort to writing. Sometimes, when you have overwhelming feelings that you can’t put in words, you resort to sleeping. Sometimes, when you have overwhelming feelings, you don’t feel a thing. All the time, you have to keep moving.  *No I was not listening to Britney Spears Greatest Hits album when I wrote this. 

Tick and Chop

     I have found this buried somewhere in the computer. A short story I've written when I was in semester 3 I think. Gosh that's like, 2 years back or what. Heheh. It has developed into a habit for me to write when I wanted to mark an event in my life. That is why sometimes certain stories don't make sense to others but me. Or how certain captions on Instagram may be unrelated but it was a mark, for me to remember an unfortunate event that will serve as a reminder in the future. A necessary one, for reference. Anyway; ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------      If you put your ears close to your watch, you could hear the time slowly moving away from your dimension.      I raised my left hand and brought my wrist close to my left ear. “Tick, tick, tick.” I listened to amazement of three seconds that I have just wasted listening to the tick of the clock and looked back at the screen of my laptop. On the desktop, a row of

Run Raisya Run

Assalamualaikum :) And, hello.      Today we had lunch at my uncle's house. His recent hunt got us some real good meat yay so it's a family feast. A little tradition in the family that we always treasure omg getting sentimental here can I not go back to Shah Alam tsk. It was really nice having lunch together but the kids were, quite a headache to tend to. They were like, ten little kids to tend to. Luckily they are all well-mannered and not as fussy. After lunch, I took some of the kids for a walk nearby the housing area, wasn't that far lah. I made sure that we stayed within the vicinity where it was still possible for us to run back to the house in case aliens suddenly decided to land and kidnap us. You'll never know.       The little one, Raisya was in a really good mood today. Too good of a mood. She was laughing and behaving so politely. She ran a lot too, in a kurung lagi smh my heart would skip a beat because when kids run, it always gives you the never end