Nov 23, 2015

#2

So reality has dawned on me.

That, I did not graduate with 3.75 above.

That, securing scholarships is really really really difficult.

That, alternative financial assistance is also, meh.

That, any chance of pursuing masters abroad might be impossible to nil.

That, by the end of the day, maybe my life is never destined for greatness. It will just pass as a normal life, in which I have already accumulated foreboding disappointments.

No, don't get me wrong. Just because I am disappointed it doesn't mean that I am sad. My disappointments, I believe, do not in any way prevent me from having a good life. It's just a phase. I am just reconciling with the facts of life, the reality of it, and the fact that there's nothing much I can do about it. And above all, in the process of accepting that, I tell myself it is absolutely fine if you can't get everything that you want. that, despite the glitch I am still very much blessed for everything that I have now.

And, I move on.

This simply means that, I have taken in the view of reality, anticipate the possible outcomes, bask in the disappointments, and move on.

Of course, I will still put an effort to pursue my goals. But, I would not put all my hopes in a basket only to lose it in an endeavour.

Sometimes, to be positive is not all about chanting the "I can do it!" "I will never give this up!" "Someday, the stars will align themselves for me!" and continuously convincing yourself to not be disappointed and sad. It is about analysing your situation. Accept what you can't possibly do, utilize what you can do, calibrate things in accordance to your capabilities and what you can afford and give all you've got in the new venture.

:)

Oct 6, 2015

#1

I'm back on blog because I have more time to spare. And also because, well, I'm bored. 

     It's a bit funny, I remember when I was in my final semester, I was dying to have some break. Typing random mental lexicons to fit in a few pages of assignments, I occasionally took a stretch and rolled my eyes only to find a stack of books at the corner, looking at me, longing for some touch. And as I was looking for supporting articles scattered in the documents folder, random movie folder calling me. At that time, how I wish I can have more time, to read those books I have recklessly (but never a waste) purchased at the BBW.

     And now, when I actually have time to spare for movies, books, Korean dramas that only emboldens the damsel in distress narrative, I didn't actually, productively use the time to do things that I occasionally say "Omg if only i have more time I can do this and that". Na. My reading was not that progressive. The movies are still there, half of them were actually from Asasi, aaand after four years they are actually, still there. In my hard disk. Very few I have actually watched which explains my inability to catch up with most pop culture reference included in conversations. My sewing lessons, well let's not go there haha krey. 

     I think my flaming desire to read books or watch movies when I was swamped with loads of work was an attempt for escapism. Yas that must be it.

No excuse, I have to stick to my reading schedule.

May 3, 2015

Bliss

I understand, that my current resolve is not going to take me anywhere. I also, fully understand, that this could be more taxing once the fog is clear. I understand, that this is not a healthy habit to keep in the sphere of emotional intelligence. I understand, that the only way to change this, is only by taking an active effort to talk about it and meet the other person halfway. But right now, the most important thing that matters to me is, to survive.

I will have regrets, maybe. I will curse the past version of me for being so passive in dealing with this, maybe. I will question myself, on the decisions I have made, and whether those decisions are the ones I have taken after I rationally weight them, maybe. I will ask myself, why didn't you take the hard road and resolve it even if it will cost your sanity, maybe.

But when for far too long you have been so tired with these emotional dispute, sometimes that lethargy strips you the ability to claim entitlement to decide or claim anything in a relationship. You have reached a plateau and that's when things get, incomprehensible. Nothing ever makes sense. What your defense system will want to do at that point is only to survive. Do you opt for survival, which will definitely save you from any emotional entanglement but cost you the relationship, or do you take the hard road, that will put you on an emotional struggle for a long time until you are able to change your habit in dealings with all these things, and maybe potentially could save that relationship? Mind you, habits don't take overnight to change. And these emotional struggle may cost your other aspects of life at that point of time. By that, I mean, the years of it. 

At that moment, your rationality might opt for survival for on the balance of probability, the only reasonable thing left to your ability is to ignore. 

And unfortunately I don't get to claim the privilege of the bliss. This, I have experienced.

Some people may don't get this. They might want to push you further for your sake. I don't blame them. As a matter of fact, I feel honoured to even be considered of such a care. We all have different level of emotional intelligence. While I do agree that we must continuously make an active effort to improve it, unfortunately not all of us can cope up with the pace of a sprint. Some make better improvement by just walking. If you force me to sprint, it might jeopardize my legs in the long run. I might end up sitting on a wheelchair.


Apr 26, 2015

321

Sometimes I see things even when I do not want to (no guys I am not talking about supernatural circumstances haha). Sometimes, I am not sure if understanding emotional rides of myself, and of other people is a blessing or a curse. Sometimes, I would also like to seek refuge in the safe haven of ignorance is bliss, but the privilege that has been bestowed to knowing other people is too much of a paramount consciousness to ignore. 

Apr 10, 2015

Sometimes

Sometimes, when you have overwhelming feelings that you can’t verbalize, you resort to writing.

Sometimes, when you have overwhelming feelings that you can’t put in words, you resort to sleeping.


Sometimes, when you have overwhelming feelings, you don’t feel a thing.

All the time, you have to keep moving. 



*No I was not listening to Britney Spears Greatest Hits album when I wrote this. 

Mar 15, 2015

Tick and Chop

     I have found this buried somewhere in the computer. A short story I've written when I was in semester 3 I think. Gosh that's like, 2 years back or what. Heheh. It has developed into a habit for me to write when I wanted to mark an event in my life. That is why sometimes certain stories don't make sense to others but me. Or how certain captions on Instagram may be unrelated but it was a mark, for me to remember an unfortunate event that will serve as a reminder in the future. A necessary one, for reference. Anyway;

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     If you put your ears close to your watch, you could hear the time slowly moving away from your dimension.


     I raised my left hand and brought my wrist close to my left ear. “Tick, tick, tick.” I listened to amazement of three seconds that I have just wasted listening to the tick of the clock and looked back at the screen of my laptop. On the desktop, a row of coloured sticky notes decorated the blank black screen. I stared at it, clueless on where to start. Literature for Children and Young Adult movie assignment, Literature and Media Test 2, Educational Psychology Report, Phonetics and Phonology Project and on the last green coloured note was written, “CHOP THAT TIME GURLLL!” I smiled at the message. Or probably, I smiled remembering the one that has written that message without me realizing it until now. She must have done it when I was away at the library the other day. I lay myself on the bed. The thin mattress outlined the squares of bed frame. I could feel the steel of the bed frame through the mattress on my back. It was not comfortable, but that was all I could afford. I brought me left hand close to my left ear again. “Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.” Five seconds. Another five seconds wasted listening to the sound of the clock. I closed my eyes and let the darkness settled in. I no longer care how many ticks am I wasting. “Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.” 

Feb 22, 2015

Run Raisya Run

Assalamualaikum :)

And, hello.

     Today we had lunch at my uncle's house. His recent hunt got us some real good meat yay so it's a family feast. A little tradition in the family that we always treasure omg getting sentimental here can I not go back to Shah Alam tsk. It was really nice having lunch together but the kids were, quite a headache to tend to. They were like, ten little kids to tend to. Luckily they are all well-mannered and not as fussy. After lunch, I took some of the kids for a walk nearby the housing area, wasn't that far lah. I made sure that we stayed within the vicinity where it was still possible for us to run back to the house in case aliens suddenly decided to land and kidnap us. You'll never know. 

     The little one, Raisya was in a really good mood today. Too good of a mood. She was laughing and behaving so politely. She ran a lot too, in a kurung lagi smh my heart would skip a beat because when kids run, it always gives you the never ending fear because their little feet looked like they can;t match the gravity and they always looked like they are almost stumbling while as a matter of fact they are doing just fine. Penguin runs. But still, minor heart attacks. I don't want them to stumble and hurt themselves naah. But the girls, they are not used to walking. They ran. So after a moment, when they realized that I was not keeping up they'd be like, "Kak Aaaaiin, cepaaat." Kids, your Kak Ain couldn't speed up in skirts. What if some prince charming happen to use the road no I must keep calm and maintain my gadis ayu speed ok.

     And Raisya really liked it when I picked her up and made that that trick as if I'm giving her up to the sky (very momentarily, that girl is growing super fast) whenever she dashed towards me with her arms open wide. So she would run ahead and when she turned her head and saw me lagging behind, she would run towards me so that I can raise her. I better be burning some good calories there.   

     There was like a really long walk by the paddy field. Since Baby wanted to show me where her brothers went to catch the fish yesterday, we took quite a stroll down the road. And after that we went further along. I told them that we will only walk until the end of the road, and then we should head home. 

     So when the girls are happy enough getting patted gently by the evening breeze and sight-seeing, I said, "Ok jom balik." And that's when Raisya lost it. She refused. Tugging my sleeves adamantly, she pulled me ahead and said she didn't want to go home. She wanted us to march ahead and she did not want to turn back and walked the way we came just now. I explained to her, if we are to walk ahead, it would be a really long walk home. We had to like, go around the village which is reeeeaaallly far and that can take up to one hour. Then Baby added that, "Yeah it's far Raisya. And we have neither money nor water with us so it's gonna be a really long walk home." But obviously, the qtpie did not understand a word we're saying. 

     I tried to coax her into going home, telling her that we will not go home, just walking on the other side of the road (which obviously did not work she knew the road like the back of her hand I bet) The funny part was, even though she was almost crying, whenever a bike/bicycle passed us, she would suddenly be alert and pull my sleeve to stay at the side of the road adamantly until the rides are gone. Idk I found it funny heheh. Dia macam, marah marah merajuk, oh wait ada bike gotta be careful Kak Ain let's stay on this safe side of the road kejap. And after that, she's back throwing tantrums again.

     After half an hour going back and forth, I had no choice.  She was still so very adamant. So... I ran. I went, Ok Nia and Baby jom lariii. Yeah we ran towards home, because I know she will chase me. And she did. In, tears . . . I really had no choice. I would stop sometimes midway to check for the fear if there were incoming vehicles and afraid that she would turn around in retaliation but she's picking up alright. When we were halfway home, my sisters found us and Wawa took her in her arms. Still crying, she insisted to go the other way but we got her home yeay finally.

I knew the too-good-to-be-true-mood got an impending dun dun dun coming *nods slowly


Feb 12, 2015

Beach Fashion Trip - The Three Must-Haves

     If someone suggested a beach trip, I would always have Hilary Duff's A Day In The Sun playing in my head. A friend of mine is leaving for England this Friday while another one is heading to the a Bali Trip for some fun in the sun while here I am . . . Enjoying the sun filtered warmth from the comfort of my couch.

     Speaking of beach trip, if you are heading to anywhere with white sandy beach vacation spots, don't forget the three must-haves for the beach!

First thing first would be; I'M DA reALEsT nah just kidding. 

Sunglasses, ladies! 

     This is definitely the must have that if halfway to the airport you happen to not bring one, you must, by any means, either exploit the time dimension and dash back home to grab it! or buy one on the way yeah that could work too. Not only sunglasses could help you transform your face to suddenly being a celebrity lookalike but more importantly it protects your eyes from the harsh UV rays which could jeopardize the well being of your sight. Not only that, sunglasses could be the protective layer to cover your face so you will not be weighed down by the needs of having to put make up too much while at the same time still looking as good and tourist-ish summore. 

Could this be the sunglasses whose lens will set your eyes on your real love? AhahsdbsdabdsJK

     I think the second must-have as you go on a  beach trip is a nice pair of flip flops or gladiator sandal. Honey, you can put away yor high heels, boots and loafers for a while and splurge on a trendy colourful qtpie flip-flops or a stylish gladiator sandals. Not only they are comfortable for long-distance walking (an event which you will be participating a lot during holiday) but they can also add on another ten points to your tourist-ish look. 

Could this be the flip-flops that will manoeuvre your way to your real love? Dun dun dunJK

     Last but not least, don't forget to pack a few pieces of maxi dresses! They are the perfect easy going clothing for you to wear anywhere without ever looking out of style. You might also want to consider the colour and pattern of your dresses to be in accordance with the mood of the places you visit. Contrary to popular belief, maxi dresses can also be super comfortable and convenient for your travelling journey. 

If the dress could be the one you will be wearing as destined had it you are to meet your real love . . .
AhahahbsavsJK JK

     So if you are planning on a beach vacation and just realized that wardrobe might not have the necessary must-haves you are planning to bring, you can have a go at ZALORA as they offer not only wide range of fashion items fashion items online for women from various well-known brands but they are also top-notch and the lead of fashion trend nowadays.