Dec 6, 2014

Schmawordsfeelsz

I have not blogged for a long time, I do realize that.

     At one point, it almost felt like this blog is more of a surreal existence. A place where my mind choose to go as the mundane life bores it to death. After a while I realize that, things written here, could not be as reflective as I wanted it to be. Sometimes these are just words representing ideas put in your mind by people who mesmerize you (maybe), and they are just, screaming, demanding to be freed. As how your mind insisted to be freed of them. Neutralize, probably that's the word that would fit in. 

     Gone are the days when thoughts are easier to be put into words. Gone are the days, where you feel it is safe to pour your feelings to the arrangement of alphabets. Sometimes I think humans use fancy words as a leeway to express their suppressed feelings while minimizing the possibilities for people to understand them. Sometimes we learn more words so that we will be able to materialize the feelings as accurate as how we really feel.

Whatever the reason is,

Yours, are meaningless.

They're fancy, they're accurate but it's meaningless.

Because you never meant what you said.

I have neither introduction nor closing remarks, because I have always disliked hello that is followed with goodbye.

Sep 19, 2014

Hello Again Sanity

As each day passes, it gets more difficult to tell.

My neutral ground is shaking, and all the ropes that have tied it to my principles are breaking away.



How do I differentiate reality from the myth?

Because I've gone native, believing in folklore and dreaming of reliving the triumph. 

I'm terrified that when I have to leave one day, I will not be able to fathom reality anymore.

The mere thought of it scares every blood cell out of me.

Every. Single. Day.

Jul 8, 2014

For The Past One Year

I think, for the past one year, things have been, indescribable.

     I made changes to my life. Things I thought I would never be able to do. People I thought I would never be able to let go. As time passes, I learnt that that is the most dangerous thing to do for attachment towards certain things or certain people, pulls away one of the dependency bits of you and it could leave you unguarded. Much to my surprise, the leaving part was actually one of the best decisions I have ever made for ever since then, things are so much clearer. 

     For the past one year, I have been trying to keep my balance, but still, some things get off the track. I felt like I have been going at it as my usual self and at the normal speed but no, I think at this point, crawling would already be considered as one of the biggest achievements. Little did I realize that my compromise has changed parts of me, a lot. Things, which I should prioritize. Things, which I myself know, without enough attention, consistency, effort and self will, would be so hard to maintain. I would like a part of me a year ago, but I don't wanna go back there. 

     Surely it does not get easier from this point on, especially with what I want now but I pray that, however my path will be, I would still go back to that girl, the one year before, should life once again comes confusing. But hey, this time around, I'm not going back there.

Jun 16, 2014

Midnight Madness

Tonight, the whale suddenly decided to take itself out of the sea.

The after effect wasn't that pleasant.

I hate it.

I wish, I can do something about it.
I wish, the other sea creatures are not affected by it at all.

I wish, the sea is not as much polluted by the toxicity of the human being.
I wish the sea could still be the perfect home for us.

Have you ever felt so powerless seeing the people you really really love paving their way towards the monstrosity by the world as they are enticed by the pretty lights, but there you were, powerless to stop them. Nothing you can do about it.

And you had to watch them getting burned by the heat.

I hate it. 

I loathe it. 

I really hate that feeling.

Mar 30, 2014

Guides to Life 123

"Insanity is trying the same thing but expecting a different result."

     Sometimes, finding a solution to a problem could be time consuming. It could take a whole lot of you before you even have the slightest idea on what you could actually work on. And you still have thousand of files concerning your problems to go through before you could detach yourself from your own fears. Our life is not like a movie, where when a hero is at a dead end, he suddenly bumped into a random old guy on the street giving a one liner advice, or a wisdom in a fortune cookie, or probably his head suddenly is filled with ideas and drive after lepaking by the beach thinking about life. And then, whoosh, he suddenly becomes that awesome guy, living up to whatever advice that he encountered beforehand. As much as people like you and I wanted our life to be as easy like that, it doesn't. 

     But when life takes away your comfort zone and put you in a volatile state, that's when you have to think, rationalize, had a tug-of-war with your feelings and brain and still probably have no idea what to do. You tried, you failed, your performance could even deteriorate worse than when you first started. For some people, problems and challenges become a stepping stone for them to be better. While for some other people, it just doesn't work as miraculously as that. They have to put a lot of effort to improve themselves, challenged by their own feelings, doubted by their own souls and still walking in the same circle.

It sucks. Life sucks. You suck.

But nothing is going to change if you stop trying.

Mar 25, 2014

What's After a No

She's walking on a flimsy thread, at the height of a soaring bird. Slowly. Carefully. Meticulously. 

"Maybe you should just run?"

No.

"Maybe you should try flying?"

No. I'm not a bird I don't even have wings to begin with!

"Maybe you do. But you never try, how come you know?"

Her feet halted to a stop. She lifted up her face. The dimmed sunlight bathes her face. Slowly, she spread out her arm while trying to maintain the balance of her torso. She could feel her hands slowly weighed down by soft shiny feathers and it grows larger by seconds.

"Do I fly now and risk the flight, or do I keep on going as how I have been doing it?"



But she was so near to the colourful wall...


Feb 14, 2014

WWWing The Will

Sometimes that I think that He is being too merciful to me.

And I am ashamed of my stagnant or even worse, deteriorating effort I put in to improve myself everyday.





But on top of all that, I hope I will always be granted the drive to move forward, and the strength to be thankful.

Because sometimes when it seems like you have it all good, you forget.






Alhamdulillah :)

Jan 4, 2014

2014

"Up here in the cold thin air I can finally breathe"  

     Last four days I lepaked with two of my friends at KFC, trying to get our take home drama test done. (btw lepak is a legit English word so I discovered) So when people head over to whatever field there was or whatever fancy place people celebrate new year to watch fireworks or do the countdown, there we were, at the second floor of Sect 18 KFC, eyes on screen, fingers dancing on keyboard, typing whatever relevant words that could fit the description of producing a final drama staging, completing our assignments. And I still think that's better than celebrating new year in a crowded place.

     So here we are, 2014. As we lamented on the fact that we're already turning 22, we were also, at the same time, excited. Hey, we're 22 already! Wow look at the weight of responsibility and required maturity that the number holds. And as we got lethargic with our assignments, we scrolled down the old photos of us in Semester 1, asasi and also when we were kids. Ah, how time flies. How we have changed. How I used to be slimmer ahem *cry in a corner. To think that we only have three more semesters to go in our Degree life, the idea itself arouses a nostalgic feeling that is yet to come, but we also hate the idea that graduation means that we would probably no longer see each other as frequent as we do. Heck, we would probably never see each other anymore. Everyone will go their own way, trying to live their lives, making the best out of what they have because that' just how life is and that's okay because we know well that they would still stay in our heart.

     I guess when I looked back and asked myself, what was the biggest lesson that 2013 have taught me, it could be summarized in this quote,

"And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear."

Paul Coelho

     I took a detour in my fifth semester, something I thought I never have enough courage to do. It was not easy. I walk away from my comfort zone, risking myself to endless possibilities, good and bad. But mostly at that point I could only think of the worst haha. By the end of the day, I actually glad that I did what I did. Yes, fear was always there. All the time and there were rides of emotions but that is only concerning debate and academic, no longer I have to deal with unnecessary shenanigans. Semester five has been challenging, but I am lucky to have my social support Alhamdulillah.

     When I looked back in my life last year, I also learned that sometimes holding on too tight might not be a good thing. Sometimes, it it better to just let it go. Things that you cannot control, things that send blades slicing your heart despite the effort you put to fix things up. Well when things still don't work out albeit with everything that you have done, probably it's a way of God telling you to walk away. Blood-curdling howls may echo from the fear but things do get better. So if you are in a condition where it chokes you up that it is so hard to breathe, or you are constantly harassed by emotions you can't control, let it go. Let it fall, let it break and just let the pieces shatter on the floor. I'm not disregarding the power of patience here just that, if you can use the energy more to make a change, why bother use it to things that you can't change?

Wouhou my very first post for 2014! I just wanna pray for one thing for 2014, DISCIPLINE :)

Have a good year ahead peeps! :)