Jun 3, 2017

Sugar Spice & Everything Nice

How many times have you found yourself saying "I'm fine" when there are clearly things that are bothering you?

Do you remember what's your default answer to "Is everything okay?"
You probably don't because it has been so much ingrained in your brain that it becomes automated. Uttered by your mouth, summoned from the subconscious that you can't even reach.

Is your life really as good as how you portray it on Instagram? Do you spend as much time improving your life as how you spend the time editing your photos? Erasing all the flaws. A bit more bright colour on saturation. Get the temperature down a lil if it's too hot to handle (literally speaking no pun intended). And oh, the caption. Don't forget the caption.

Do you have enough vocabs to mask your honest thoughts on Twitter to be politically correct, putting a disguise on your fears, decorating your crisis so that they would come across sounding like an article instead of honesty. Probably.

Are you friends are as many in real life as they are online? Hang on, let me rephrase that. Can you really count your real friends? In reality? 

What do you reach for first thing in the morning? Your thoughts, or other people's?

What do you think about before you hit the hay? Momentary death, or awaiting life?

Hold your thought, don't tell me the answers to any of this. It's not that I am not interested, it's just I am barely catching up with mine. 


Btw darling, you're doing absolutely fine.

Jun 1, 2017

Ramadhan

Salam alaik. Hello.

     Alhamdulillah. Masih diberi kesempatan untuk dipertemukan Ramadhan pada tahun ini. Ramadahan has always been a favourite of mine. It's a pretty nostalgic month for me. Behind its door, there are thousands of pleasant memories docked safely in my mind. I remember the advice that Ustazah gave us to not sleep after Ramadhan, that it's better to utilize that time to study (yeah I was a big nerd). I remember studying after sahuur (during Form 4 & Form 5), finishing the homework that I didnt finish because I was too sleepy the night before and headed straight to bed after teraweeh. Come to think of it, school was really tiring back then. We went home at 3.30, tentatively, but usually the normal hour would be 5/5.30 due to extra classes. Oh wait usually in Ramadhan the classes would end a bit early so I guess, 4.30? Then we go back, have some rest, trying to salvage whatever time I have to get any homework done, and then comes iftar. Taraweeh. Sleep. Wake up a lil bit early to study (usually I would drag myself to wake up at 4/4.30). Looking back, I don't even know how did I manage that. Hahahaha. We also sat for some of our papers in Ramadhan. For some reason, this particular memory has been very pleasant for me and I do miss the tadarus at school, the tazkirah. Haaaaihhh.

     Ramadan last year has been a bit challenging for me because technically, it was my first Ramadan away from my family. As in, I spent 2/3 of the month on my own. Actually I was living with my sister hehe. What I meant by challenging was, spiritually. Last time in uni, you still have friends who would remind you of certain things like taraweeh. You still have friends to have iftaar with etc. But last year, man, I was pretty much on my own most of the time. Since I worked in a Chinese kindergarten, of course, I was the only one fasting. That's not a big deal for me, but it was tiring. It feels extra tiring especially because you are the only one fasting and no one to complain with hahaha. And my working hour was from 7.30-4.30. You might not believe it, but, I never even set foot at any bazaar Ramadhan last year. Wait, maybe once or twice with my sister. Oh ya, also that one time when Aiwa was here heheh. Since I always feel tired, I rarely go to mosque for taraweeh :( Most of the time I just pray on my own and head to sleep.

     But last year, since last year was bridled with uncertainties, I guess I was vulnerable as well and that actually was another phase of getting to know myself. Sometimes if I can afford to wake up early, I would do a short prayer before sahuur. Man, that was the time I really prayed, not knowing whether the pleas of a sinner like me would reach Him or not among many other His loyal servants. I got my answer this year, some of my prayers were answered. I've learned a thing or two. And you know, it just dawned on me recently that, in truth, when it comes to pengisian agama, it should focus on ourselves first, in facilitating us in finding inner peace. I don't know about you guys but ever since the working life phase been giving me a lot of existential crisis, it is very hard to find peace within myself. But the verses of the Quran has been very comforting. All this while I have been reading books and quoting them for life insight, it was such a shame that it took me a while to realize that I should do the same with Quran. As in, read it, and understanding it, every verse of it. Learning about it in school is not the same as we learn in sparse and sometimes revising it for exam. Of course, that's just me. My friends are probably better at the penghayatan department hehe. Nowadays, we see that people arguing over the content of Quran and they're too busy to use it to criticize what other people do wrong, whether hijaab is compulsory and mostly on terrorism. Of course, we need to know these verses and learn about them as well. But before that, have you ever really studied it just for yourself? For your inner peace? And have you ever been able to translate that feeling, in advising others so that the teguran would be menyenangkan for them as well? Pardon my rojak but I am actually quite sleepy rn but yeah you get me right.

     As you graduated, not only from university, but also from your student life, from your close-to-family phase, you really learned a lot of things. First is, how to manage yourself in Ramadhan. Before this, I always have my friends to remind each other. And when I go back to my family, we would always pray taraweeh together, no excuses. My mum would remind me to read the Quraan and sometimes boast about her progress heheh. But last year, I had none of that so it really came down to myself to put an effort in all these things. It was not easy for me to be honest. And I regretted it because I don't feel like I have done enough :'| But it is comforting to remember that every effort counts for Him :')

     So this year, is a year of another trial. Praise be to Allah, I was returned back to the embrace of my family hehehehe. It is still very hard for me to fulfill some of my Ramadhan goals. But I am trying.

May Allah, in his abundance of grace and mercy, make it all easier for us.

p/s: my thoughts in this post may be incoherent but ya *cries

Have a blessed Ramadhan loves.

   

May 6, 2017

Untittled #2

Yo so I found a draft of min logged back in 2013. By the look of it this was back in semester 4? I think.




"Let's sit down, lepak and talk about life like teenagers do."

And we did.

     Though life is so tough sometimes, even you are not sure how do you cope with it. But those moments when you are doubtful and full of insecurities in breaking the cycle of normal life, that is actually the time when you would start learning about life.

Yes, life is hard. But that doesn't mean that the right thing to do is complain and whine about it.

You learn to cope with it and appreciate little things.

Like;

-A drive to a random place on cloudy days with best friends.
-Late night supper date of a drive through of some random fast food restaurant.
-A conversation about life at a water fountain, sipping the icy milo and tea, bracing the cold of life.
-A random midnight movie trip and ending up having to watch a horrible movie, struggling to preserve our conscience and asked for the change of hall afterwards.
-A random quick lunch and catching up session set up and managed with loved ones amid the hustles and bustles of life.
-A half an hour time for self by the lake with a bar of chocolate.

And I learn a thing or two from this semester;

-To not let your busy days keep you away from the people you love.
-To make the best out of the worst.
-To walk away from things that make you unhappy and not be afraid of taking the risk.
-To do good to people, but never expect anything in return.
-To appreciate those who have been there.
-To not stop in the middle of the journey.
-To not let people's assumptions build shenanigans.
-To learn for the sake of learning. 

More like, 8 to be precise leuls.

Life of no leisure. And that's perfectly fine.

"Wait, are we not teenagers?"

Apr 8, 2017

1 2 3, I See Thee

     I am sure that in some moments in our life, we would have some friends who, when they complain to you about their problems, you just can't seem to make the head or tail of it. I mean, you understand the problem, yes. But you don't understand why do they do, what they do. Ye follow me? I have one friend like that. On some departments in life, we totally see things eye to eye. I mean, in dealing with things in life, I'd like to think that we're pretty rational (except when the decisions are about scrumptious food or cute guys- exceptions). But in some departments, I will just go 'wha-' at this friend's decision. Honest to God, I just can't seem to understand why would she decided as such. Sometimes I feel a bit tired because, it doesn't seem that she's even listening to me. But I know that there are no malicious intention in that for when one is in an enigma, they might need more time to compute things. 

     When pain is a constant state, their first defensive mechanism would be to take themselves out of the pain. Idk maybe my advice doesn't seem to fit anywhere near that from her point of view. And because of that, we got a bit distant. As in, after a while, understanding that she doesn't really take my advice into consideration, I transitioned the role from the friend who give advice mercilessly, into a listener. As much as I don't agree with what she did, I still wanna be there for her. I only wish for her happiness. If she thinks what she has decided would make her happy, I will try to support her no matter how I disagree. Our dynamic change a little after that but I just rolled along with it.

     Until very recently, I have experienced the exact same feeling. The impetus of the dilemma, was not the same. But the afterthought was the one that got me like, "Hey brain remember that one time when I was clueless about a friend's decision? Ohhhh. Now I kinda get it. Maybe this is why she did that." And that was it. 

     One important lesson that I have learnt in life that, people change, and that is something that you can't help. Sometimes, we started off as really good friends. We listen to the same music, go gaga over the same cute Korean actor (Lee Dong Wook oppa, saranghaeyo notice me oppa) (this is a perfectly normal example). We dwell in the same melancholic poems. Like, we are so synced that we could have been the next M2M, or Saray Kay & Phil Kaye. We hate the same person, we prefer same flavour of ice cream. You know, all those things. But after a while, we grow. And we might not grow the same. When you can no longer find the same common ground you used to walk with one another with, you might feel a bit off-kilter. And sometimes, you go separate ways which is such a bummer. 

     This is when you need to make an active effort to still be friends. My good friends and I, have been through that. We have different opinions on some issues. But what tops all these differences is only one thing, that you value that friend in your life, and you want them to stay. I guess because of that one primary reason, my friends and I are still friends, though we have grown quite differently. There are less similarities, but the common ground is still there. We learn to respect our differences in certain issues and didn't think much about it because we value our friendship more than that. I'm not saying that it's easy. Nope. We have gone through bumps. We fight. A lot. There were times where we would prefer to spend less time together, but more individually. But at the end of the day, when life gets rough, we would still prefer each other's company. At the end of the day, you realize that, they are still the same great friends and it would be foolish to let them go. You could say that deep in our hearts, we actually have grown way too clingy with one another. For me, good friends are really hard to come by. When you found one, keep them. Keep them close to you and don't let silly shenanigans that you would probably won't even remember ten years ahead, tore you apart. 

     I guess what am I trying to say here is that, when we feel that our close friends are changing, and we don't feel that we are that close anymore, it's a normal feeling. But just because you have grown differently, doesn't mean that that's the end of it. It's perfectly okay as well to decide not to get involved emotionally in some friend's life decisions because it might be contrary to your principles, or you just don't get it, but, it doesn't mean that you can no longer be a good friend to them. As we graduated, and we live far from one another, we no longer have the luxury to spend as much time together. Maybe we don't text as much, or call as much. These are perfectly normal. We have our own lives to handle (yeah adulthood is no joke). But I would really like to still be there for my friends, when they need me, if God wills it, I will always be there for them no matter how different have the circumstances turned into. Because there are the very friends, who have nourished me with love, support and a good deal of good food hunting. 

I am not even sure if this makes sense. But yeah.

Apr 1, 2017

Aaaaaaaaa April

Oh my God! It's already April :'D

     Wrapped up March with 9 books read into the year heheh. Should have been able to read more actually given the free time I am blessed with (Jia You Ain). I am aiming to read 50 books this year. I am not sure if I can do it, but I will definitely try my best as my unreads even go as far as three years back, as in, purchased, and they are in the tsundoku band.

     You know, I realized that earlier this year, that I have been a pretty melancholic person along 2016. So as 2017 greeted us, I decided that I'm gonna try catch some upbeat vibes into my life. First off, changing my playlist (check). Next is, to shut down unnecessary overthought thoughts (still working on it, long way to go). Third is, to think of as much of positive thoughts as I can possibly can, this includes not talking about other people (negatively) and lastly, to maintain the little progress I am trying to make in my hablumminallah department (very difficult to maintain so far I'll be really honest). I will only focus on getting 4 things drilled into my life this year. It's not easy, not at all but I am making little progress. Of course, there are internal struggles to attend to as well. But all is well, part of growing up (more like, growing old).

     One of my close friends back in asasi also announced that she's tying the knot after Raya this year. I am so happy for her! She's the first among nine of us to get hitched! May Allah ease it all for her. I can't wait for another asasi reunion session on her wedding haha. 

That's all this time. I am trying to get my rythm into writing again. It has been taking an extra effort for me to do so (even writing a mundane post such as this one) but I am determined to, because, reasons. Till then :')

Mar 22, 2017

How Do You Explain Pain?

How do you explain pain

As you woke up trembling

Trying to remember last night's dream

That has already escaped your consciousness

Leaving you with the heartache you couldn't quite explain

Just like when you hear his name passes in the wind

Mar 20, 2017

Why Am I Still Here?

Does anyone still blog even?

     2017 is here and it's already March. I am typing this from the comfort of having too much time to waste from being jobless :'D

     Anyhow, I finally ventured into school. Still waiting for the posting. Constantly feeling dreadful on the prospect of where would I be posted. Anticipating nothing short of an exciting adventure in teaching (May Allah ease). Some can say that I am pulled in by the vortex of social pressure and succumbed to the fear of uncertainty as I finally applied for the job I vowed to never go into (that was last year). You are probably right but I will never admit it haha. I have so many thoughts I wanna pen down, but this year is the year of controlling my thoughts, and I guess, I would prefer to start on focusing only on positive thoughts. Let the negativity be only whispers picked up by the wind, when the human's senses are lulled  into deep slumber. This is gonna be though, because I, for one thing, like to have deep conversations with the ones close to me. But I realize that over time, though lucky I am with their generous compassion listening to my problems, all of me talking about all the things I find unfair in life only concentrates on the bad part. 

     And oh, a good friend of ours is finally married! I swear to God I have never seen him that happy. It makes us so happy to see him smiling with joy. It's such a nice feeling to see that your friend is moving to another phase of life, though you do feel a bit melancholic at the same time. Among four of us, he's the one to tie the knot can you believe that? I am still trying to digest that hahaha. I am sooo looking forward to the days where my friends have kids and I imagine myself visiting them. Maybe alone, maybe with my plus one (not getting my hopes up on that one). Maybe I just got back from a trip, and I'll be telling their kids all the amazing adventures that I have had, while presenting them exotic souvenirs from places they never heard. Heheh. Or maybe, I'll come for a visit with my own kids and they can be friends. I'll introduce them to books that I wish I've read when I was a kid. Ok, maybe I am going too much into the future here so let's just stop here.

     So yeah, this year's blogging ain't gonna be anything serious. Just random thoughts, probably some teaching experience. I am not even expecting anyone to read this but it just feels so good to write again. Probably in the future I'm gonna be writing more on melancholic stuffs, I am still trying to mould a positive me. First step, I actually changed my melancholic playlist. Still working on it but we're moving somewhere :')

Till then, toodles.