Apr 8, 2017

1 2 3, I See Thee

     I am sure that in some moments in our life, we would have some friends who, when they complain to you about their problems, you just can't seem to make the head or tail of it. I mean, you understand the problem, yes. But you don't understand why do they do, what they do. Ye follow me? I have one friend like that. On some departments in life, we totally see things eye to eye. I mean, in dealing with things in life, I'd like to think that we're pretty rational (except when the decisions are about scrumptious food or cute guys- exceptions). But in some departments, I will just go 'wha-' at this friend's decision. Honest to God, I just can't seem to understand why would she decided as such. Sometimes I feel a bit tired because, it doesn't seem that she's even listening to me. But I know that there are no malicious intention in that for when one is in an enigma, they might need more time to compute things. 

     When pain is a constant state, their first defensive mechanism would be to take themselves out of the pain. Idk maybe my advice doesn't seem to fit anywhere near that from her point of view. And because of that, we got a bit distant. As in, after a while, understanding that she doesn't really take my advice into consideration, I transitioned the role from the friend who give advice mercilessly, into a listener. As much as I don't agree with what she did, I still wanna be there for her. I only wish for her happiness. If she thinks what she has decided would make her happy, I will try to support her no matter how I disagree. Our dynamic change a little after that but I just rolled along with it.

     Until very recently, I have experienced the exact same feeling. The impetus of the dilemma, was not the same. But the afterthought was the one that got me like, "Hey brain remember that one time when I was clueless about a friend's decision? Ohhhh. Now I kinda get it. Maybe this is why she did that." And that was it. 

     One important lesson that I have learnt in life that, people change, and that is something that you can't help. Sometimes, we started off as really good friends. We listen to the same music, go gaga over the same cute Korean actor (Lee Dong Wook oppa, saranghaeyo notice me oppa) (this is a perfectly normal example). We dwell in the same melancholic poems. Like, we are so synced that we could have been the next M2M, or Saray Kay & Phil Kaye. We hate the same person, we prefer same flavour of ice cream. You know, all those things. But after a while, we grow. And we might not grow the same. When you can no longer find the same common ground you used to walk with one another with, you might feel a bit off-kilter. And sometimes, you go separate ways which is such a bummer. 

     This is when you need to make an active effort to still be friends. My good friends and I, have been through that. We have different opinions on some issues. But what tops all these differences is only one thing, that you value that friend in your life, and you want them to stay. I guess because of that one primary reason, my friends and I are still friends, though we have grown quite differently. There are less similarities, but the common ground is still there. We learn to respect our differences in certain issues and didn't think much about it because we value our friendship more than that. I'm not saying that it's easy. Nope. We have gone through bumps. We fight. A lot. There were times where we would prefer to spend less time together, but more individually. But at the end of the day, when life gets rough, we would still prefer each other's company. At the end of the day, you realize that, they are still the same great friends and it would be foolish to let them go. You could say that deep in our hearts, we actually have grown way too clingy with one another. For me, good friends are really hard to come by. When you found one, keep them. Keep them close to you and don't let silly shenanigans that you would probably won't even remember ten years ahead, tore you apart. 

     I guess what am I trying to say here is that, when we feel that our close friends are changing, and we don't feel that we are that close anymore, it's a normal feeling. But just because you have grown differently, doesn't mean that that's the end of it. It's perfectly okay as well to decide not to get involved emotionally in some friend's life decisions because it might be contrary to your principles, or you just don't get it, but, it doesn't mean that you can no longer be a good friend to them. As we graduated, and we live far from one another, we no longer have the luxury to spend as much time together. Maybe we don't text as much, or call as much. These are perfectly normal. We have our own lives to handle (yeah adulthood is no joke). But I would really like to still be there for my friends, when they need me, if God wills it, I will always be there for them no matter how different have the circumstances turned into. Because there are the very friends, who have nourished me with love, support and a good deal of good food hunting. 

I am not even sure if this makes sense. But yeah.

Apr 1, 2017

Aaaaaaaaa April

Oh my God! It's already April :'D

     Wrapped up March with 9 books read into the year heheh. Should have been able to read more actually given the free time I am blessed with (Jia You Ain). I am aiming to read 50 books this year. I am not sure if I can do it, but I will definitely try my best as my unreads even go as far as three years back, as in, purchased, and they are in the tsundoku band.

     You know, I realized that earlier this year, that I have been a pretty melancholic person along 2016. So as 2017 greeted us, I decided that I'm gonna try catch some upbeat vibes into my life. First off, changing my playlist (check). Next is, to shut down unnecessary overthought thoughts (still working on it, long way to go). Third is, to think of as much of positive thoughts as I can possibly can, this includes not talking about other people (negatively) and lastly, to maintain the little progress I am trying to make in my hablumminallah department (very difficult to maintain so far I'll be really honest). I will only focus on getting 4 things drilled into my life this year. It's not easy, not at all but I am making little progress. Of course, there are internal struggles to attend to as well. But all is well, part of growing up (more like, growing old).

     One of my close friends back in asasi also announced that she's tying the knot after Raya this year. I am so happy for her! She's the first among nine of us to get hitched! May Allah ease it all for her. I can't wait for another asasi reunion session on her wedding haha. 

That's all this time. I am trying to get my rythm into writing again. It has been taking an extra effort for me to do so (even writing a mundane post such as this one) but I am determined to, because, reasons. Till then :')

Mar 22, 2017

How Do You Explain Pain?

How do you explain pain

As you woke up trembling

Trying to remember last night's dream

That has already escaped your consciousness

Leaving you with the heartache you couldn't quite explain

Just like when you hear his name passes in the wind

Mar 20, 2017

Why Am I Still Here?

Does anyone still blog even?

     2017 is here and it's already March. I am typing this from the comfort of having too much time to waste from being jobless :'D

     Anyhow, I finally ventured into school. Still waiting for the posting. Constantly feeling dreadful on the prospect of where would I be posted. Anticipating nothing short of an exciting adventure in teaching (May Allah ease). Some can say that I am pulled in by the vortex of social pressure and succumbed to the fear of uncertainty as I finally applied for the job I vowed to never go into (that was last year). You are probably right but I will never admit it haha. I have so many thoughts I wanna pen down, but this year is the year of controlling my thoughts, and I guess, I would prefer to start on focusing only on positive thoughts. Let the negativity be only whispers picked up by the wind, when the human's senses are lulled  into deep slumber. This is gonna be though, because I, for one thing, like to have deep conversations with the ones close to me. But I realize that over time, though lucky I am with their generous compassion listening to my problems, all of me talking about all the things I find unfair in life only concentrates on the bad part. 

     And oh, a good friend of ours is finally married! I swear to God I have never seen him that happy. It makes us so happy to see him smiling with joy. It's such a nice feeling to see that your friend is moving to another phase of life, though you do feel a bit melancholic at the same time. Among four of us, he's the one to tie the knot can you believe that? I am still trying to digest that hahaha. I am sooo looking forward to the days where my friends have kids and I imagine myself visiting them. Maybe alone, maybe with my plus one (not getting my hopes up on that one). Maybe I just got back from a trip, and I'll be telling their kids all the amazing adventures that I have had, while presenting them exotic souvenirs from places they never heard. Heheh. Or maybe, I'll come for a visit with my own kids and they can be friends. I'll introduce them to books that I wish I've read when I was a kid. Ok, maybe I am going too much into the future here so let's just stop here.

     So yeah, this year's blogging ain't gonna be anything serious. Just random thoughts, probably some teaching experience. I am not even expecting anyone to read this but it just feels so good to write again. Probably in the future I'm gonna be writing more on melancholic stuffs, I am still trying to mould a positive me. First step, I actually changed my melancholic playlist. Still working on it but we're moving somewhere :')

Till then, toodles.