Nia Ilemor

          We often want to find an avenue to express ourselves. Dancing, doodling, singing, composing, running, and yes, even writing. Some of us even extends our feelings to the things we post on our social media. Photos with certain hues, colours that represent certain emotions, captions that are supposed to be a secret reminder to ourselves or even composed in length. I think I used to do that a lot. When I am writing for a caption, I honestly don't intend to make it long. Sometimes it started off as wanting to write something really short and just, laid-back but my emotions often seem to want to pour themselves out the moment the find my fingers providing them the avenue. Oddly, it does not come as easy when it comes to wanting to write a post on blogs. I tend to be super melancholic in my posts and sometimes, I honestly worry that people think I am in a constant state of sadness (haha) by reading my captions. You wanted to be perceived as someone who exudes happiness, and joy

Darkest night he could ever remember. No lamp posts. No lights. No nothing. Just a lonely road ahead. And it could only fit a person. No cars, no bikes, no motorcycles. Just feet. He stood there, look up to the sky only to find darkness. "It doesn't make any difference, opening or closing my eyes." He took a deep breath. And he walked. 2/13/13

You know what, I think from this way onward, my blog posts are just gonna be, mainly about ranting about random stuffs.      So it's Labour Day, and my housemates are back at their cosy homes while I am stuck here. I figure it's not much lucrative of time and money to go back home anyway, since I will be on duty this weekend. Besides, I'll get myself a nice 4 day leave next week because of the election so might as well stay this week. Yay. I spent today doing the laundry, and I ran through my movie list. Marvel movie list that I haven't crossed off yet. Watching Infinity War really got my intrigued on a few things and after my student can't stop jabbering about the theories of what's gonna happen in the next movies, I got even more curious and decided that this franchise is worthy of my time.      Also, I have finally finished reading Ready Player One! YAY! WHAT A GREAT BOOK SIMPLY MAGNIFICENT I was so excited because it has been quite a while that I got so

     I used to think that people who run away from their problems are cowards, and weak. Problems are supposed to be faced head on you know? Grab it by its root, and just uproot it or something. Throw it away from your life *insert more hyperbolic comparisons      Until, I have reached here. I have confronted my problem, resolved it (I guess), did everything I can in my power. Then, what else? What else is there? What else can I do if the unsettling feeling is still here to stay, even after months. So tell me what am I supposed to do if the only chance of me to survive this is, to avoid it? The instinct survival says I should run and hide, but I refuse. And I have been wounded by the advance of time.      They say, time heals all wounds. Then, as long as I live, as long as I breathe, as long as I have time with me, I will wait for that moment until this old adage dissolves into truth. Until, the end of time.      Maybe I am a coward. And you know what, when it comes to this, I do

          Everyone will go through this, at some point of their lives. There will come a point in your life when you want to give up. Seriously, it feels a lot easier to just crawl into a cave, and I don’t know sometimes you just kinda, want to, maybe spend your days staring at the ceiling, contemplating your miserable life. Then you thought to yourself, “Wait, my life isn’t exactly miserable. I have a loving family and friends, I have a comfy bed, a stable career, I have Lightwood and Macbeth, books to read, places to go, food to eat, good health, friend with lame puns jokes to laugh at, silly jokes from your students that can amuse you to no end, aaaand many many more blessings!” Then you would go quiet for a few seconds, and start feeling miserable again. For no reason. Then you remembered, right, time to blame the hormones. Must be that time of the month again.           I remember having a conversation with A, where we both kinda agreed that happiness are overrated (well actua

          In trying to overcome the recent longest woeful enigma that I had in my life, I have had way too many conversations with my close friends who attentively listened to my woes, and helped me to locate the sources of the agony so that I could strategize better in fighting against the misery. I do realize that I am very lucky, to have a very supportive social circle who would offer me different perspectives, helping me to further understand myself. It's scary how sometimes, some people know you better that you do. But it's like a good kind of scary because they help you to understand yourself too. I realize that in solving your own dilemmas, you have to be clear with yourself. Oftentimes, people realize that they are feeling sad, but have you ever really sit down, and try to understand the sadness itself? Have you ever try to have an honest conversation with yourself? Ask yourself questions you might refuse to answer to other people. Do you take active effort to get over

It was a hot day. Very. Wait. Did I mention that it's a very hot day? Oh yeah I did. Very.      Just a second ago he wiped off the bead of sweat trailing on his forehead with his Burberry London classic tartan handkerchief and now the back of his shirt is already drenched.      Days like these, it was very hard to think and he was not even thinking of anything in particular. Even if he wanted to, his brain refuse to succumb to such determination under the boiling heat.      Adjusting his feather-light-like backpack, he looked down the empty road. No matter how hard he tried to recall the details but he still could not remember how did he end up there. On a deserted road with nothing around. Just a road, a scorching sun, and a teenage boy, him.      The heat of the sun pierced through the vein of his naked eyes. He took out his shades from his left jeans pocket and put it on. Ahh, much better. His eyes relaxed from the burning heat. Oh those shades. Ma's purchase

     Back in my degree years, I remember in one of the Literature lessons with Madam Rosalind, she talked about the art of appreciating beauty in little things. You know how sometimes, you probably already know something, but it only becomes more apparent when someone actually put these thoughts into words and tell you about it? Yeah this is one of those things. I remember at that time, I was struggling with something that has put me through duress. As I walked back home alone from the class, walking by the side of INTEC's gate to the neighbourhood, the soles of my shoes pleasantly crackled as they step on dry leaves. I remember the yellow leaves, parched and beautiful in their own way, peacefully resting by the side of the gate. With every step I took, my heart felt a little lighter as the crackle of the dry leaves accompanied me on my way home.      I remember this one time when I was travelling alone on the train to from Shah Alam to KL Sentral as I promised a friend to hang o

I have tried, again and again, for months, and I still can't. My Lord, I surrender.

"And I have been asking myself for a very long time now whether I can afford to risk losing everything I have yet to acquire worthy of a year, just to find myself back." "Why the hell can't you?" "Fear." "I guess, fear will always be there. We are always scared of losing things, people, that sometimes, we want to outpace the foreboding loss. We overthink. So we went to destroy everything in our way, before it gets the chance to destroy us. Us humans, and our coping mechanism. Weird, isn't it? But guess what? This fear, is never gonna leave you, no matter how hard you try to outrun it. You can't outrun something that's already living inside of you. Best you can do is try to coexist with it. Understand it, so you can stop it from leading you to self-sabotaging impulsive decisions." He chuckled as he relived his misery in tears. "Well if you're lucky, you might find someone foolish enough who will not be deterred b

Music Vibes; My Friends, Oh Wonder Reading Brave New World reminds of The Giver Quartet. So much.           But I think I enjoyed The Giver even more. I miss Thomas.The premise of both books talks about conditioning human for the 'greater good'. One of the conditioning involve stripping them off emotions, because that's the exact conundrum that drives everyone unstable. Render the concept of marriage, or love, irrelevant so that you won't berate yourselves over feelings you can't comprehend. Stability right?           When I was younger, I marveled at the different ways people handle their emotions. It was odd for me that one similar event, trivial or not, affect people differently. Over time I have come to understand that some people are just born with the capacity to feel more than the rest of us. It took me a longer time to recognize, and to admit that I was one of them. Certain events that appear to be nothing for other people, can shake me. Paralyze me i

I was listening to; Lifetimes & My Friends by Oh Wonder            I just recently finished reading Merantau ke Deli by Hamka. And there was one part of the book that made me thought of something. If you are not familiar with the plot of the story, it is basically about a lupa daratan suami yang kahwin dua sekaligus terlupakan jasa isteri pertama yang susah senang jatuh bangun bersama sampai kaya. Long story short, he divorced the first wife, Poniem . Following that verdict, his once a worker now a business partner, Suyono, chose to follow the wife, because duh the (ex)husband is definitely a jerk. If there is a word that could concisely describe my feeling after reading this book, that word would be, 'hiba.' So after Poniem and Suyono left, they had to start from zero again. The writer describe their relationship as 'seperti saudara'. Over time, they slowly rise up to once they were and they were doing quite well. Poniem was a few years older than Suyono and s

          There's no point really. I have no idea why do I make so much effort to put up a new blog when I can just use this one. So mafan one hahaha. But I guess, at one point of your life, you just kinda wanna feel, new. You want to start anew, and you want a fresh start, you want to disassociate yourself from the past. Kinda. Well, that's a lost cause because you are made up from the past. So when I was tidying up my digital documentations the other day, I thought of how tiring and odd this is. Trying to reconstruct one life, from two different places. This is where it has begun, and this shall be where I picked up from what I have left, and simply, move forward. While there are a lot of things I wish I could have done differently in some parts of my life, I should not run away from my past mistakes. They are acknowledged, and they should be remembered, for future reminders. That being said, I think I ought to repost the posts here. Later lah.           Two weeks into