I Forgot to Put a Title

Music Vibes; My Friends, Oh Wonder

Reading Brave New World reminds of The Giver Quartet. So much.

          But I think I enjoyed The Giver even more. I miss Thomas.The premise of both books talks about conditioning human for the 'greater good'. One of the conditioning involve stripping them off emotions, because that's the exact conundrum that drives everyone unstable. Render the concept of marriage, or love, irrelevant so that you won't berate yourselves over feelings you can't comprehend. Stability right?

          When I was younger, I marveled at the different ways people handle their emotions. It was odd for me that one similar event, trivial or not, affect people differently. Over time I have come to understand that some people are just born with the capacity to feel more than the rest of us. It took me a longer time to recognize, and to admit that I was one of them. Certain events that appear to be nothing for other people, can shake me. Paralyze me in parts I have never known vulnerable. For a very long time I have been trying to reconcile these differences, my actual feelings, with what are expected of people. I used to think that to be tougher and stronger is to be able to be firm, to not cry when people expect you to, to deny feelings you deemed weak. Let it go. Just let it go. Telling yourself over and over again it's nothing.

          So when a friend back in university, with whom I have shared one year and a half with, hurt me, I used to brush it off, convincing myself that it's not a big deal. When she subtly undermined my insecurities, I shrugged it off. When she ignored me in conversations, I found myself walking on eggshells when she was around. I overlooked a lot of things, uncomfortable at the idea that the conflicts would make things become awkward. When she excluded me from plans, I told myself that she forgot. She didn't do it on purpose. When she avoided me for no reasons, often declining offers to have meals together, I told myself it's fine people need their space anyway.  Funny, the things you have to tell yourself on behalf of other people. The excuses you make for them. Something was definitely off. My social circle at that time was not the confronting type, so we brushed everything under the carpet. Over time, because our mutual friends were trying to jaga hati both of us, it has created an environment that deny things. "No lah, she is not mad at you." "It was nothing, you should not think about it." and a lot more social niceties in that line. Over time, we hung out less together because it gets uncomfortable and the tension was starting to get noticeable. And over time, our friendship disintegrated.

          It was only by the end of semester later that I knew the reasons of her behaviour. They were so trivial that I was not sure whether I should laugh in amusement or cry in disbelief. At that time, my emotions succumbed to both. I was young, and hurt. And the whole things have been really tiring. It felt like you have been walking on a thin strand of hair over a steep hill, wary of every movement that could cost you your life, you walked slowly, steadily, in constant anxiety, just hoping that you can make it safely to the other side. Just when you're about to reach the other part of the hill, you collapsed. Shocked by the deluge of awful emotions you have never felt.

          Instead of trying to talk things out with her, my immediate reaction at that time was only, to take myself out of that misery. In any way possible. Even if I wanted to talk things out, there was not much to talk about. The reasons were so trivial that if we were to talk about them, it would sound, childish. So I brushed it off again but this time, resolute to leave, to extricate myself from her life. I didn't know if she knew that I knew, but I made excuses to move to another house. She didn't question it. I started advertising for a replacement tenant even though the prospect was bleak and should I fail to get a replacement, I would need to pay for the rent anyway for that month. It could have costed me more money, and I was still a student who depended on my meager amount of monthly allowance, but I didn't care. That semester, I made a lot of impulsive decisions just to distract myself. I spent more time in library, and went home as late as I can just to avoid her. I joined debate, event though the circumstances were not favourable and I was not really feeling up to it. I volunteered for a friend's volunteering programme for semester break, just to keep myself busy. The whole rigmarole was wearing me out.

          Maybe for other people, it does not mean much. It was not a big deal for them. But the event has really shattered me. I was that kind of person who always seek refuge in the comfort of having company. It was my comfort zone. So when the friendship slowly disintegrates, and they were always busy with other things anyway, I felt left out, and I was struggling to be by myself. I hated even more to admit that it has broken me so I pretended that it was nothing. It was hurtful because I trusted her, and perhaps, I had, in a way, already set an expectation of how she would treat me. So when things constantly swerve in ways I have never expected, I often found myself disoriented, trying to understand the situation, frustrated of not being able to comprehend the whole thing. I felt like that one kid that nobody likes at school for no apparent reason (haha).

          But this episode of life, had taught me a lot of things. Now, sitting here, typing this, I can finally say that, I am kinda glad it happened. Even though it has put me through hell, but it was precisely because of this episode, I have learned to be more independent. It was the desperation to keep myself distracted that has put me in debates, that has taught me a lot of valuable lessons in life, that forced me to learn new things, and earned me friends with whom I have had way too many life changing conversations with and a lot more. It was precisely, because of that episode too, I changed my class, and met new friends. New friends who actually think wonders of me, and made me feel a lot more positive about myself, and helped me to grow as an individual. I got to know more people. I was very much introvert before that lol still is actually but you know, progress. And, I met my fatsos. My backbone throughout my degree years. Friends I am thankful for, everyday. It has really, changed me, for the better (I think).

          From that one year, I learned that, (as cliche as it gets), sometimes bad things happen for a reason. People cannot change in their comfort zone. It is the desperation to escape from a bad place that often takes you on great adventures. It gives you new perspectives. Or it forces you, to take on new perspectives. Of course, over the year, I was bitter as hell, it takes a reaaally long time for me to unlearn bitterness, with conscious effort that tires me out. I forced myself to pray for her well being (when I can emotionally afford it) even though my heart does not sincerely wishes for it. But I had to learn how to do so, because I would not want to spend the rest of my life feeling bitter over things I cannot control (this method kinda works, to a certain extent). Eventually, you will learn to let it go too. There were times when I blamed myself, thinking that maybe I could have done things differently before it gets that bad. Maybe. The maybes. After a while I realized, there was literally nothing that I could have done. If a person comes to dislike you, they would find any excuse, no matter how trivial, to justify themselves. Gosh this sounds a lot better in Malay. Orang kalau dah tak suka kau, kau buat apa pun dia takkan pernah suka. And I know, she also felt guilty for feeling that way at one point. Sometimes people are tested with things that they can't control, even though they realize that it's wrong. Maybe that's her share of personal struggle, perhaps.

          From that episode too, I learned more about myself, and discovered that I need to work on a lot of things. I learned to pay more attention to my feelings and not to immediately brush them off. Yes, some people can afford to just let it go, but I can't. I am not that type of person. I think recognizing how your mind operates when it is dealing with pain is important so that you can take necessary precautions to protect yourself, and take necessary actions to heal yourself should you get hurt. I learned that admitting to things that make me feel vulnerable will not make me weak, but denying it will. I cannot deny what I feel, but I can always work on how to handle them better. I learn to acknowledge the harsh truths I have been avoiding to confront and learn to be more forgiving to myself for my intensified feelings. Of course all these things, are still work in progress. And it would be a blatant lie to say that it has not affected me at all. It has, and just very recently I have come to learn that it still is, and it ain't pretty. But it is necessary for me to be aware of them so that I can make conscious effort to deal with them.

          I happened to reminisce this part of history of mine due to my recent reading of Brave New World. The intensity of human feelings can be overwhelming at times. And perhaps, that is why in the narratives of the alternate realities such as in Brave New World/The Giver quartet, the authors spent a great deal of time discussing about the necessity to numb feelings to maintain stability, and to make sure people are happy all the time. In Brave New World, you can take doses of soma to numb any awful feelings. They don't confront it, and they create a society where you are conditioned to believe certain things as how they are, to avoid conflicts that could provoke you. You are conditioned to take death as a pleasant process that could benefit the whole society. The society is breed in tubes. Concepts of families, lovers, and friends are absent, releasing the people from the burden of attachment, foreign to the concept of losses that can make them sad. The society lives in a world where there are no access to stimulate your feelings. So that you will not feel other things but happiness. Which is why people don't really grow as a unique individual. Oh, the concept of human individuality is treacherous indeed. And what are we, if not for our individuality? What are we, if not for our ability to feel things in variegated spectrum? We are living such a colourful life and it's a blessing most people take for granted. Embrace yourself, feel pain, happiness, disappointment and other things you are still trying to understand, as how they are.

          The reason why I choose to tell this story today is not to paint her in a bad light. She is, personally, a very nice person to everyone else but me. She was always helpful to our friends, and generous in sharing her knowledge. Over the subsequent years after that episode, we have learned to avoid each other and we did it very well despite being classmates for a few semesters lol. During our final semester, she actually came to me and apologized for everything. I told her it was fine (even though I did not honestly feel so at that time). I regret the fact that I could not honestly say that I am over it. But I no longer bear ill feelings towards her and I sincerely pray for her happiness. But as I am also just an ordinary human being, I cannot deny things that I feel and I find no point of faking it out of social niceties.

Phew the longest post I have written in years.