Merantau ke Deli, Merantau ke Hati?

I was listening to; Lifetimes & My Friends by Oh Wonder 

          I just recently finished reading Merantau ke Deli by Hamka. And there was one part of the book that made me thought of something. If you are not familiar with the plot of the story, it is basically about a lupa daratan suami yang kahwin dua sekaligus terlupakan jasa isteri pertama yang susah senang jatuh bangun bersama sampai kaya. Long story short, he divorced the first wife, Poniem . Following that verdict, his once a worker now a business partner, Suyono, chose to follow the wife, because duh the (ex)husband is definitely a jerk. If there is a word that could concisely describe my feeling after reading this book, that word would be, 'hiba.' So after Poniem and Suyono left, they had to start from zero again. The writer describe their relationship as 'seperti saudara'. Over time, they slowly rise up to once they were and they were doing quite well. Poniem was a few years older than Suyono and she has regarded him as her own brother. When she brought up the subject of marriage, Suyono voiced out his desire to take her as his wife. She disagreed at first, as she personally thought that Suyono should marry someone his age, that is more deserving of him, so she said. To which, he replied,

     "Maaf Mbak Ayu, sebelum tinggal dengan ayu, sudah tujuh kali saya kahwin di kebun dengan yang lebih muda, dengan yang sebaya, sepadan, sebagai ayu katakan. Tetapi belum saya rasai ketenteraman berumah tangga, kerana perkahwinan itu bagiku barulah sebagai suatu pelesir saja. Maka sekali dalam seumur hidup kita, kita harus kahwin sebenarnya. Untuk itu, tidak perlu isteri muda atau tua, yang perlu adalah dapat sama-sama menderita kesulitan dan kesakitan. Apa gunanya saya kahwin dengan yang muda, kalau setelah wangku habis, dia pergi pula menurutkan lelaki yang lain."

          Now, in the course of their conversation, there was not element of love mentioned by both parties. Suyono simply stated that he wishes to marry Poniem, but he didn't go all the way trying hard to say how much he loves her. There was no romantic confession, there was no I sumpah I janji, there was just, simply him, and his wish to marry her. His reason being was, they have known each other well. The good, and the bad, and that was enough for him to build a harmonious marriage. And so they got married. Now, let's compare Suyono, with the first husband. Back when she was young, when the first husband wanted to marry her, seeing that she was reluctant because of their financial status and keturunan (girl is visisonary I'm telling you she could already anticipate their future based on the guy's behaviour) he promised her things, grand things up to a point even Poniem advised him to be careful of what he promised.

     "Oh Poniem, saya tak mahu begitu, saya mahu kahwin, saya berjanji sepenuh bumi dan langit akan memeliharamu, akan membelamu. Tidaklah saya mengharapkan harta bendamu melainkan mengharapkan dirimu. Sungguh Poniem, saya bukan seorang penipu!"

     "Saya akan deritai segala hinaan dan cacian, buat kau, Poniem! Biar kaum kerabat saya membusukkan saya, saya akan hidup dengan engkau dan di dalam hidup dengan engkau itu, saya tidak akan meminta kepada mereka, saya tidak akan mengemis, Poniem. Kau... kau tidak boleh bercerai dengan saya lagi."

          Fast forward a few years later, the exact same guy who promised her all of these, insulted her, divorced her, with talak tiga because of the second wife. He married the second wife kononnya out of pressure from his family who insisted that he should marry "orang kita" sama-sama orang Padang (Poniem was a Jawa) padahal he also gatal one wanted to get married jugak. So the first lesson that we can learn here is that, we need to be wary of the people, who find no qualms in making grand promises. Like sumpah mati kinda grand promises. The examples that I gave you just now was not the only instances where he made such promises. Before he married the second wife, he promised to never divorce her. Grand punya promise stok sumpah mati lagu Nidji. But, at the end? Sigh.

          Today when I met Mas for lunch, I shared with her this part of the story. I told her the more detailed background story and the moment I told her about the part when Suyono casually told Poniem he wanted to marry her, Mas squealed an "Ahah, this is the guy." (haha). I told her that this part of the story got me thinking, kalau kahwin sebab cinta, cinta boleh mati. Kalau kahwin sebab cita-cita, after you have reached that goals, then what's next? But maybe if you marry someone because of his good character, maybe, boleh hidup dengan aman dan tenteram. Now, I don't deny the power of love, and I wish I can say with certainty that each of us will find our true love but let's be real here, how many of us, from the whole population, who are lucky enough to find their true love in this world? Very few. Sometimes, it's the attitude, the personality of that person, the way he/she views life, the way he/she handles conflicts, those are the things that can keep a marriage together. If you wait for a person you love, firstly, what is love really? No one can really answer this question because it's very subjective. And love alone, cannot guarantee long lasting relationship if the person is hampeh tak boleh diharap. Sure, there are relationships where the couple grow together as individuals, melengkapi, memperbaiki each other's flaws but usually these are young couple la. But in instances where you don't have the luxury of time of years to get to know one another, to grow together, before you make the decision to say yes, the criteria that you will evaluate is that person's character, right? Even if you do have that luxury of time to get to know that person, sometimes, people can fake who they are in the relationship. Okay, this topic ada banyak variables because you can use this counter argument to what I just said too hahaha. But you know in instances where kalau contoh macam your colleagues/parents/friends wanted to introduce you to someone. And say, you won't have much opportunity of time to meet that person that often. A bit sayang la if you just disregard the person just because of time/geographical reasons. Some people told me you can always learn to love that person after you get married. So in instances where love is not one of the main reasons for you to choose a person, maybe their good character, as attested by their friends, or family, or your cyber stalking skills, could be a reason to consider. Maybe. It is still a gamble, the decision you make to get married but at least, we have tried our best to take everything into consideration. Right?

          That being said, I also think it's important for people to get to know themselves, and make an effort to try to be better everyday. The effort you put to be a good wife/daughter-in-law/mother does not start when you have met 'the one' or when you decided to get married, but it starts now because it is, your character as a person that also affects the outcomes of the marriage. Also, I think your feelings on love, can change. If we attach the value of love to only things like the count of heartbeats, electricity, I don't know ... like those things can change? But character? Character is probably less likely to change as it is a culmination of long life nurtured habits and determined by one's attitude in braving the adversities of life. So if you marry a person with a good character, maybe, there's always a chance of making things right when you both are going through hard times. If you only use love as a measure, I don't know . . . I can't comment much since I have never been in a relationship haha. Anyway, this is just a thought. You are free to disagree. I mean, I would probably disagree with this post too should I encounter an event of life that proves it otherwise. Hahaha.

Until then.