Dec 15, 2013

The Choice

“Please don’t do this to me Nia.”

“But this is what is best for everyone Ain, trust me on this. Abah and Ma will be so proud that you've made the right choice.”

“No, NO!”

“Get a hold of yourself. You said it yourself that you just want to get this over with. You said you want to take control. Now get hold of your shaky emotions!”

“I want the misery of confusion to end but not this way.”

“This is the only way.”

“I can’t. I can’t bring myself to choose. They are all so nice. I love them all the same.”

“No you can’t. You have to choose or you will suffer for the rest of your life! Make a wise choice Ain. You have to choose something because you can’t have it all. Remember? Priorities, priorities, priorities!”

“I can’t,” I could feel my voice trembling with fear of losing the love if I make the choice. The fear of making the wrong choice.

“I just can’t please let this slide just this time.”

“NO! You’re the one who wanted to take control now walk the talk!”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I could feel the heat from my eyes, burning my tear gland but I hold it in.

Slowly I opened my eyes and whisper to myself.

“Okay fine, I’ll go with Murakami and Khalid Hosseini.”

"I'm sorry Fukuyama." I heard Nia's voice trembled with agony in my head.

Dec 9, 2013

Peculiar Caterpillar

Us humans are funny creatures don't you think?


But it's really hard. To be a human.

Can I be a tiger?

How is that easier?

It's not. But at least...

Animals don't wear masks.

Can they even talk?

Can they even think?

But they can love.

And they love truly.

I have a funny way on assembling my thoughts and getting them organized lately. When I first started writing, that's not what was in my mind, but it ended up this way.

Humans are weird.

Peculiar. Aren't we?

Oh, what's a caterpillar got to do with this again? Nothing. Just because it rhymes, so yeah.

Nov 19, 2013

Untitled #1

She's been away from reality for too long. 

She's been too comfortable with a world she created on her own that she refused to even take a peek of what's happening in the real world. 

But as time passes by, her perfect world started to reform. 

It compromises lies, betrayal, hatred, sympathy, anguish and fear.

Trick of time then finesse them into icing.

Icing which then frosted the rainbow cake that she has been baking with fire.

Every. Single. Layer.

What's the difference then?

She asked.

A question that everyone knows the answer to but no one was ever willing to put them into words.

For fear that words, would confirm the ugly truth.

So we keep it all inside. Frost it. 

Again and again.

"It's okay to come back."

"But I don't want to come back. Even if my world started to take a form of the world that I once despised and left."

"She would never leave."

She's broke. Because he has spent all of her love to someone else.

#np For You

Nov 5, 2013

Have you ever looked back in your life and realize that there are things you thought you could never do, but still, you got through it.

Remember those hard times, and when you think you can't do it, think and remind yourself again how you went through it.

It's the same process. The difference is, how you embrace it each time.

Oct 5, 2013

It's Okay

It's sad.

Because in the end, you're gonna have to force yourself into believing that some things are just, irreversible. No matter how hard you tried. What's done is done. And it cannot be undone. Things will change, it'll never be the same. People might not understand, they are all subjected to what only they could see.

And that's okay.

It really is.

Because it'll help you for a better tomorrow.

So cheer up love.

Because come rain or storm, we will always have each other.

As long as stars are above you, and me.


Sep 19, 2013

This is one of those many points in life where though the whole world keeps on pushing you forward, you just can't move.
Because, you just.


Jul 6, 2013

The Crossroads

Assalamualaikum! :)

So, 3 more days to Ramadhan eay? Alhamdulillah :)

     That reminds me, we have another four days to go before our final paper. And after that will be heading straight back to Terengganu biiznillah. God, the mere thought of it send me an inexplicable joy! Cannot wait to go hooome!

     On another chapter of life, this is one of those times I am at the crossroads of life. I am actually having a hard time deciding on something I have once loved but not quite sure of whether a comeback would be a good idea now. Seeing the juniors getting so excited and all hyped up about it makes me envious. Envy of that very spirit that used to reside inside of me long time ago that I don't even know that it is still there or not. My loves have been supporting me, convincing me that nothing goes to waste just by trying. That I should give this a go. But then again, I am still at the crossroad. I know that taking a step back would be a disgrace, but at the same time, the idea of moving forward scares me a bit. Omg now all those motivational quotes suddenly coming in like waterfall *singing Coldplay's Waterfall okay that is so unrelated.

Apa pun, may Allah ease.

And yeah, I better get back to PAE T____T


and oh,

Marhaban ya Ramadhan :)

Jul 2, 2013

Semester 4

Assalamualaikum :)

I'll tell you what you already know
For You, Angus and Julia Stone.

     Alhamdulillah we are finally done with Semester 4! My God going to the third year already how time flies!

     So a review for the fourth semester? I have jumbled up thoughts at the moment but let's see how it goes.

     Weird. I would say that semester 4 has been weird. It's a freaking weird semester that I just can't wait for it to end. It's a semester where you get to see that the colour pink is actually red. And that mustard colour, is just a plain yellow. And that, you never actually liked the colour turquoise. It also the semester where I get to see other colours to be painted in the canvas of life. It's a semester where I abandoned Jacob Black and went alone to become a werewolf on my own, except that yeah I don't have that wolf pack stuff of Seth, Lia and all. It's a semester where I actually thought that, hey maybe it's not really a bad thing to be a vampire! Still can't decide which one is preferable though but one thing for sure I don't want any Bella anywhere near. Naah.

     This is the semester where that werewolf decided that it is time to take things into her own paws. It's a semester the werewolf learns that even if the lions look all mighty, they still can't meow like a cat does which is also a weakness to not be able to do things which cats (that they claim is weaker than them) can easily do. Naturally. Since when we decided that a roar is mightier than a meow anyway? If the roar is feared more than respected, I think I'll just go with a meow.

     In another jungle, a tiger figured a lesson of life. At that moment, the tiger would realize that things would be much more easier to handle as it walks alone. To find strength in rejection, to find independence in isolation. Mama Liger and Papa Tiger would be there to back him up anyway. And if any other cute fluffy animals comes by along the journey and willing to share the tiger's ups and down, it should be grateful, not hopeful. And that is when the tiger realized, maybe, this is how it is supposed to be. It is fated this way that it would learn a great lesson from all of this. A lesson that is best to be kept to itself, not revealed as bed time stories to the other animals. A lesson that will guide him along the way in your life. 

And also to not let labels camouflage one's flaws. 

I can still see the deer, so the tiger said.

     In one visit to the animal kingdom the tigers saw the lions abandoned their houses and cubs to find food and went to the gym for a workout with the bunnies.

     The other animals seemed okay with that, they worship the lions' great figure and all but the tiger can't help thinking of how screwed up is that.

The tiger prefers silence anyway. It's a tiger who meows anyway.

     Sheesh what a weird post and way on unloading thoughts into words. Told ya it's a weird semester!

Jun 30, 2013


Rasa yang tak sama. Kadang aku tertanya, apa aku yang berbeza, atau engkau punya perspektif sekata?

Kalau ditanya hati, kalau saja hati itu bisa beri jawapan yang terus tanpa selindung dengan perasaan abstrak yang sukar aku tebak, mungkin saja subjek ini akan menjadi lebih mudah.

Tapi kau, bicara soal hati. Hati yang aku sendiri gagal fahami. Operasinya, kehendaknya, mahunya dan pertahanannya. Yang aku mampu cuma rasa. Rasa yang aku sendiri gagal kawal.


Pada mata manusia amnya, ros merah itu cantik. Dahlah cantik, wangi lagi! Lalu kau petik, tanpa sedar kau luka terkena duri.

Pada aku warna cantik, bau wangi, itu semua hanya perangkap untuk menjerat manusia merasa peritnya tusukan duri.

Yang takkan pernah.


Munkin, kita memang langsung tak sama.

Jun 20, 2013

Who Knows Who Cares

Because I can't verbalize this. This. THIS. This. Feeling.

And this is the closest that I can get to.

Jun 16, 2013

The Last Weak/Week

     It's the last week of semester four where emotional rides is most rigorous. I remembered calling Abah in sem 3 to complain about the load of work we were having at that moment. And he simply said, "If you have a lot of work, then go do your work. It's better to have a lot of work rather than nothing to do at all."

     At one time, you may feel suffocated with all the workload and everything. It only takes one phone call and suddenly the next moment you are at ease without any particular reason, despite all the work and tests.

     Those such moments, I'd like to think that it's Ma and Abah sending prayers to God, praying that He would ease it all for me.


Jun 8, 2013

Final Weeks


     It's been a long time since I last dropped by here on this little hut of mine so hai everyone! So far, we only have two more weeks before this semester ends God I can't believe it's already four semesters of me doing my degree. This semester went by quickly. Very quickly actually but I am very thankful for He has granted me the strength to still be here, and keep on walking though my pace might be slower. I'm enjoying the moments in my own way so that's okay hihi.

     By far, I gotta say that this semester has been the toughest one I had. Yeah I know that I said that like every semester but seriously this time around I swear that it is the toughest one. Academically speaking and also uhm, in other terms. Because this semester has been quite tough, I have learned a lot of things. Like, a lot. But most things are better kept to yourself, just like this semester's lessons. He taught me the lessons of life, in a very beautiful way though of course there has been some emotional rides here and there. Basically this semester I learned more about humans and now I'm starting to understand why some philosophers opt to not leave house unless they are to do/say something good, well, technically speaking. But hey, lessons are everywhere so cheers.

     The last two week has brought us a paramount of assignments to be completed before we get to enjoy our sem break. Like tons of them. Our final paper would be on 11th July (sigh) which is the second day of Ramadhaan. It was quite upsetting as I was hoping that I get to start the fasting month with my family but that's okay. I have the rest 28 days rigt? Biiznillah :) Oh yeah, I found a beautiful quote while I was scrolling the TL, thought that I'd share :)

"A scholar is not a scholar until he recognizes the dangers of comfortable living, and the blessings of the difficulty." -Sufyan al-Thawri

     So cheers for the assignments. They keep us busy and uncomfortable harrrrr. Another two weeks to go, may Allah ease :D

May 30, 2013

The Irony of Thirst is the Thirst Itself

There is this one feel,
Like a never ending thirst,
In the middle of the desert, 
Burning in your throat,
Demanding to be aid.
Under the glaring sun,
Where all you could see was nothing but sand.

You'd walk, and when you see a glimpse of what it appears to be like aqua,
 you'd run towards it, 
striving to get there but you could never actually find it. 
Mirage they call it.

Like the process of learning,
It's a type of thirst you could never quench.
But sometimes, 
You are convinced by nafs,
You've known enough,
You've seen the water,
But how come you never find it?

And by the end of the day, 
you figured that this is a type of thirst you could never quench,
And you'd be dying asking for extra time everyday,
Lamenting on the past you've wasted,
Promising God knows who,
That you'd use it wisely next time.
Wishing you'd learn more when you were younger,
So that you've already known more by now,

But yet, you are wasting the time you are given now,

And when a second passed,

You cursed yourself for a second you wasted.

But yet, you keep on doing whatever you are doing,

Unworthy of 'ilm and nuur.

How ironic could a human be would you mind telling me?

May 18, 2013

Decoding the Secret

Assalamualaikum :)

     Have you ever, gone a certain situation and you had some questions going on in your mind, asking, wondering about it and you hope to find an answer for that. And when you go on online, there's always, someone's status/tweet, or even events we see in our everyday life, chunks of conversations of/with other people, knocking the sense into your head, answering your questions indirectly. For all we know, all those kinda status updates are always there, like days already. And those conversations, are only the rituals of everyday life. That telephone call or those text messages.But how come that upon the first reading/hearing we are not so attracted to the gist of it? Only when we had something in mind which from one's status update/conversation chunk, text/ phone call/events in everyday life we found one of our answers for our questions we tend to react to it in a more, reflective way.

     The same things. Things we usually see as mundane and of no importance. But once we have something in mind, once we begin to think differently, we would start seeing things differently.

     I'm not promoting you to go on Facebook/Twitter etc not am I promoting everyone to go spend most your time scrolling down your timeline endlessly, guaranteeing that you would find your answers of life from someone's status update. Nah. (Finding things significant and worthy of reading, that depends on who your FB friends are too, and who you follow of course. Can't find the answer to baking a good cake in a dancing class can't you?) But, back to my point, just, when we are so focused in looking for an answer for something, our eyes and brain are actually inclined to see things in a view where we want to find that certain answer. Scrolling the timeline reading everything wouldn't be much of help, but reflecting on some good ones will.

*Hey look, it's the cloud with the shape of thunder!

     I guess the key here is that, you must know where to look for the right answer, and be critical in things you hear and see.

And you will see that He's answering all of your questions beautifully.

One by one. 

     Until you could finally understand, though it takes some time and consume a lot of your inner part but you would find your patience to be worthy of it.

     Sometimes we found that all these events in our life, don't make sense. We ask ourselves, how did they event get into my life, where all of this is coming from? Indecipherable events. Where all of this is taking me? Indecipherable, encoded with secrecy of all secrecy where only the inventor will know the secret and how to decode it. 

So look for Him, He will help you decode it and you will find your answer.



*and He just answered some of mine last night. Subhanallah.

May 2, 2013

Lost, Quite.

"We keep handing out our gifts,
a gilded age keeps our hearts stiff and apart."
Crosseyed, The Morning Benders.

"You lost me."


"No. Long time ago."

Apr 26, 2013

Unheard Voices

I have something to say.

And I wanted to say something. 

I could hear the voices inside my head, whispering, talking, screaming even, demanding to be materialized into words. But this is one of those days that all you wanted to do is stare at the blank paper, do nothing and pretend that you are an existence in a world where people could not find you.

Half part of mine believed that things, when written are more clear and easily organized. I could see what went wrong, what should be eradicated and what thoughts exactly should I be allowing in my head.

But every time I got here, they were somehow, hidden and silent but you could still feel the vibrate of the unheard voices.

Oh the irony.

Back off voices, we'd be dealing with this different way this time.

Apr 17, 2013

The See-Through Sliding Door


I just went and gave my old blog a visit.

I still remember the very first time I blog.

     It was during the SPM break. After we were done with our Science subject papers and other normal papers (BM, BI etc) we have quite a few days of break before the next paper which were PQS and PSI papers, if I am not mistaken. But anyway, the break was quite long. So I sign up for blogger. 

'And it was the best decision I have ever made!!!' statement would make a good impression here but honestly, I am still deciding whether it was the best decision I have ever made or not.

     But anyway, during my early days of blogging, I enjoyed it. I remember typing my first post, Kak Long's laptop on my lap and my fingers dancing on the keyboard, typing eagerly. I was sitting at the end of the queen sized bed, leaning on the wall. As a matter of fact, I actually remember that I was still in my school uniform, just came back from sitting a paper. But of course, what I remember might be different from what really happened but the description associated with my first day as a blogger actually tells me that it was a pleasant one.

     After SPM has ended, I wrote almost everyday. And I always thought of things to write on my blog. I would like to document every possible meaningful event of my life with the people I love. And so I did. I blog on my experience of going to driving classes, my 17 year-old thought on love, friendship and life, my asasi days, I put on my favourite quotes from my favourite books and share figuratively every word that has ever crossed my mind. And I loved it.

Last few years I didn't blog as much as I used to anymore.

Why? Simply because things are not, and do not feel the same anymore. And I am not the same person anymore.

Things that might have been important, significant and meaningful may not refer to the same events anymore as how it used to work to the events in the past.

     And exposing the alter ego behind the words feels like being locked in a room full of audience, each with a small bottle of poison in their hands, some are exposed, and some are hidden.

Which is good. 

     If things written go gibberish and nonsensical, I hope one of them would voluntarily come up and feed me one, so that that particular nonsense part would die, and gives room for other alter egos to come up and take over.

But of course.

     That very poison has to react accordingly to the code of that nonsense (as how they claim it to be) for it to die and disappear. Or it's not gonna work. 

And if it doesn't work.

     I would gave them a smile, gladly give that person a white flower, open the see through sliding door and watched him/her walk into the next room. I could still see him/her through the door but that's okay because their voices wouldn't be able to make their way to my eardrum.

And that is more than okay.

Wait, I forgot to thank them?

Ah well.

That door is permanently locked anyway.

Except . . .

Apr 8, 2013

Weekend Week 5


So I spent my weekend in Terengganu last week or do we say uhm, three days ago?

Yep. I went through that ten hour drive and finally reached home at about 4 a.m I think.

Woke up late the next day. A bit. As I was lepaking with my sisters in the kitchen having breakfast I could hear Abah's voice from the family room. 'Ain mana Ain? Nok kelih ni lamo doh dok kelih." smiling and that chuckle. So I went and salam him and a hug.

And there's Mama.

And everyone.

And the kittens.

That ten hour grueling journey?

And that 9 hour journey back to Shah Alam last night?

Was definitely worth a day and a half well spent in Terengganu.

Alhamdulillah :)

Apr 6, 2013

Screw That Nail

- It is certainly something unpleasant that whenever things are getting ugly, thoughts of solutions coming were only in the form of escapism. Avoid. Run. Hide. While a part of you wanted things to be sorted out, another part would protest, "Screw it. It's done." Though the fact was that, you never even had anything at all to begin with. -

Screw it.



Can I have a nail please?

Apr 1, 2013


And today He opened my eyes to something,

to never underestimate the power of appearance,

and how misguided could people be deceived by it.

Mar 23, 2013


"When I see my face in the mirror,
we look so alike that it makes me shiver."

If You Could See Me Now, The Script.

Mar 22, 2013

YayNay Weekend


     It's weekend and I'm not exactly sure how have I been feeling. I've been going back and forth considering whether I should or not go home for Kak Anis's wedding and when I did decide that I wanted to go home, the tickets were all sold out.

Why. Did. I. Forgot. About. The. Upcoming. School. Holiday? -.-'

So yeah. Nay for Terengganu weekend plan. Tapiiiiii, look at that silver lining owh so pwetty. I get to attend the Mufti Menk's talks insyaAllah with my favourite girls! Yeay, for, Shah Alam, weekend plan?

I still miss Terengganu though.

     Anyway, alf mabruk for my lil sister Iqah Cheeqahhh for your SPM result. We are so proud of you Alhamdulillah! :D

There, blog updated!

Have a happy and productive weekend people!

Mar 17, 2013


Tiada tanda harga, 

Tiada harta

Yang ada cuma jiwa 

Ku persembahkan dalam raga 

Yang binasa dimamah dunia.

"Tolong terima?"

Mar 15, 2013


Kadang aku tertanya, "Ahai, mana hujungnya untuk semua yang datang bertimpa-timpa?"

Tapi aku lupa.

Kesenangan itu datang bersama kesusahan, bukan selepasnya.

Dah namanya hidup di dunia.

Ko guano?


Mar 14, 2013

Semester 4

It's Thursday of the second week of Semester 4.

So . . . How's it going?

     I guess all is well. I kinda miss everyone in Terengganu but well, I guess that's not new. If I do not have any commitments, I'll be heading back to Terengganu next weekend for my cousin's wedding biiznillah. Though Mama said that it's okay to not go but hey, I'm not letting go of any chance I see. Hihi. 

     Truth to be told, I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I am already turning 21 this year. And also the fact that we are already halfway to finishing our degree. Phew, how time flies kan? Always I feel like I am still a child of twelve years-old, trapped in a body of a 21. Haha. This semester, insyaAllah, I have promised myself to be more independent. And I've promised to work harder, something which is pretty hard to do as when it comes to this, the battle is always with the inner side. Nobody could really tell you what to do. At one point, you're gonna have to figure things by yourself. All of it. Yes, on your own. When I looked back three semesters back, I'd go face-palming all the way like seriously. There were too many things which I wished to change but if I am to do that, the only option left is actually by making changes to myself, as in starting from now. 

Face palm.

     I may not be able to figure a lot of things yet, things which are going in my mind which I can't put into words. Sometimes we wanted to change for better. For that, we could go asking people to be true to us, on what is there on you that is not right etc. But actually, we are the one who should be true to ourselves, and to not let other people's words get to us. As even people can't really tell for we all have different benchmark on doing things. Some people may think it's okay while some other don't. So I guess, as long as we know we're not going against any of His rules, we'd be sure that we're on the right track. Also, be a bit more observant in your daily life, and you'll see Him sending signals to you. Perhaps you're a bit fragile to accept words from people's tongue, and you can't even be sure whether they're poison or honey, so He send you clues on what is not right by opening your eyes to certain events in your surrounding to which you'd find similarities to your enigmas and you see things from other perspective, which would prompted you the answers. Kan? :)

So guys, hope it's not too late to wish you all; all the best for the new semester :D

Mar 6, 2013

Finding What is Lost

I'm tryin' to put it all back together.
I've got a story and I'm tryin' to tell it right.
I've got the kerosene and the desire.
I'm trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

 The Fray, Heartbeat.

Hello | My Wish

Well yeah, I know 'than' was mispronounced as 'then' but well, yeah.

It may come and hunt you down, 

Regardless of place and time,

Don't be scared, don't run.

Most of all, don't let your guard down.

And always know, you are safe under the acknowledgement of the All Knowing One.


So, hello there.

Feb 25, 2013

Just Give Me A Reason

Well, because I have been having this one on my replay lately.

The more I listen to a song, more different interpretations come in.

Everyone need a reason for something and once you found your ultimate reason for living, it keeps you going, you live. 

And there's a difference between just live, and living your life.

It doesn't have to be a person, not necessarily, just something special. It could be anything. It could be one thing, and it could be among so many things.

As I listen to the song, I found it palatable to my thoughts, not in a way that you are in a romantic relationship (I'm guessing that's the main idea of the song originally) but, it is more than that. Put the idea of a song in an ocean of thought, and you'll be in amazement finding the ink running in different directions, but still, on the same ocean. It makes listening to songs more, universal and intriguing.

I'm guessing learning literature had something to do with this lol.


Feb 24, 2013

Like a Snowflake

Photo: A pair of puffins on an island in Maine

사랑은 눈꽃처럼 다가오나봐

손 내밀어 담아보지만 늘 녹아버려

Well, yeah. I just copy paste it but still . . .

Anyway Google translate didn't do a really good job translating it, I've tried.

Feb 22, 2013

Hey There #1


"Searching to find myself, but all I find is you."

It's 22nd February. So I guess in another nine days I'll be starting the new semester. 

Yeay :|

     Truth to be told, I don't feel like going back to Shah Alam at all. Not even a bit of enthusiasm. Like seriously, compared to getting into the previous three semesters. Looking at my last semester's exam result, I got like a lot to cover and to catch up but why oh why, semangat yang hilaaaang, kita cari pulaaaaang. Yeah ain't got no nothing to fuel up the motivation. But I guess it will slowly come to me as I get into the atmosphere, hopefully.

     When I went to school the other day with Ayu to visit Sir Zaharani and other teachers, we met Cikgu Mat Noor, the counselling teacher. So he asked me, how was my result? A question to which I reply with only a smile, hehe. Segan ah.Then he told me that the other day, a former student of our school also came to visit, her result was somewhere 2 something. So my teacher asked her, what exactly you were doing while studying? You only need to study so supposedly you could do better. You don't have to work yet, you have nothing else to think about except studying, so basically you have nothing holding you back to concentrate in your study. he then turned to us and asked, "Ko guano?" So yes, that also applies to me.

"Jika kamu tak tahan pada lelahnya belajar, maka kamu akan menanggung peritnya kebodohan."
Imam Syafie

     Come to think of it, I could have done better. We all could have done better. Cikgu was right after all. I don't know about other people but me, I basically have nothing major to worry about. Remember that part of the form where they ask what is your profession and if you don't have one yet you just write 'student'? If I am to admit studying as my profession, it would be more decent for me to actually take my 'profession' seriously." Last semester was, horrible. I, was horrible. Facepalming all the way remembering my lackadaisical attitude towards my studying. Well yeah, the alter ego would definitely defend it by using all the so called boundaries but hey let's get the record straight here, those were nothing but excuses.

"If you can find a reason, you can let me know, I won't blame you, I'll just turn and go."

     Yeah alter ego, walk away. Haha. So, hello semester four. I have no idea what do you have to offer but whatever it is, I'll try to take things differently this time (in a more positive way lah kan). And this semester, I have a new little mission to accomplish. Just, one resolution out of many that I would really really want to accomplish.

May Allah ease.


Every Night, Imagine Dragons.


Feb 16, 2013

Senjatanya ialah Cinta

Depan kau tebar kata cinta,

Madu dan gula, madu dan gula ulangannya,

Kata-kata dibuat jala,

Untuk perangkap sisa kononnya.

Tapi belakang erat kau genggam senjata,

Sedia kau hunus bila saja dia alpa.


Jaga madahmu wahai manusia.

Feb 15, 2013

Feb 9, 2013

Cerminan Nombor Lapan

They never look to see me fly, so I never have to lie.
(Imagine Dragons, Tiptoe)

"Andai saja kau tahu betapa dunia ini satu medium penipuan yang licik." Suara Wahid perlahan menuturkan nasihat berbekas falsafah kehidupan 20 tahun, memecah sunyi yang kian membukit antara mereka.

"Mungkin, mungkin aku sudah lama tahu. Tapi kenapa ya, susah sungguh hati ini berpegang pada yang satu itu?" Hadi membalas.

"Satu . . ." Perkataan itu diulang Wahid, lucu barangkali memikirkan betapa perkataan itu merefleksikan makna namanya. Setelah beberapa saat berfikir, dia menyambung bicara, "Untuk manusia, kalau ada satu, maka satu itulah juga yang dia akan pegang. Bebas dari pilihan kerana tiada pilihan. Sebaliknya, jika kau punya banyak pilihan, payah lah hati itu mahu memilih, apa lagi berpegang teguh pada yang satu."

"Seperti pergi membeli belah."

"Ya, seperti pergi membeli-belah. It could be seen in two dimensions though. For most people, it's just shopping, for some people, it's an investment. Satu pelaburan. Engkau punya wang yang banyak sekali, dompetmu tebal dengan wang ringgit, barangan di situ semuanya mampu milik, banyak sekali pilihan tapi yang kau perlu hanya satu. Apa kau akan membeli apa yang menarik matamu tapi tidak perlu atau kau fokus pada tujuanmu ke situ hanya untuk membeli satu yang perlu."

"Cantik itu bisa menipu, itu satu helah dunia yang sudah aku teladani. Aku tahu apa yang aku mahu, yang aku perlu dan ianya cuma satu, cermin."

"Baik. Kau mahukan satu cermin, satu sahaja. Yang dijual pula memang banyak tapi yang direkomenkan cuma yang terbaik. Cantik, sempurna, kata si penjual. Lalu pula seorang mak cik tua, memberi nasihat padamu tanpa dipinta, berpandukan pengalaman hidupnya dia menyokong kata si penjual bahawa ternyata cermin itu yang terbaik antara semua. Tapi entah kenapa di matamu cermin itu tampak buruk, hodoh, jelek tapi kau beli juga kerana kau berpegang pada kata si penjual, pakar penjual cermin dan kau menghormati pandangan mak cik tua yang ternyata kepentingannya tidak bersangkut paut pada hidupmu tetapi riak prihatin jelas di kaca matanya. Bingkainya dihias permata berkilauan, harganya pula mampu milik maka kau kira apalah ruginya jika kau beli. Apa kurangnya cermin itu pada mata manusia biasa? Tiada! Tapi bagimu, kau tidak nampak apa yang istimewa juga."

"Wah bro, you're going too deep lah, haha." Hadi tersenyum sambil gelak hambar. 

"But you're still following kan?" tanya Wahid sambil tersenyum memandang sahabatnya. Senyuman Hadi masih kekal. Dia membalas isyarat mata Wahid lalu pandangannya dibuang ke sisi berlawanan dan perlahan, dia mengangguk."

"Yeah, I am. I'm following," balasnya.

"Okay, jadi persepsimu sebagai manusia mungkin berubah dek cerminan itu. Mungkin, kali pertama kau membelinya, ia nampak cantik pada mata orang, tapi masih jelek di pandanganmu. Semua orang memuji kecantikan cermin itu tiap kali mereka bertandang ke rumah tapi masih lagi kau hanya melihat buruknya cermin itu. Tapi setelah beberapa lama jiwamu diasah kematangan, kau sedar yang kau cari sebenarnya refleksi yang benar. Bilamana cermin itu kau pandang, dapat kau lihat, mana celamu, mana sempurnamu. Mungkin setelah sekian lama, kau akan nampak lebih banyak cela dari sempurna pada dirimu maka kau merasa sedih tapi melihatkan kilauan permata di bingkai cermin itu, kau rasa lega. Ia mengingatkanmu bahawa rupa itu superfisial, sesuatu yang hanya mereka yang tahu hakikat kebenaran penipuan sahaja tidak akan pernah peduli akan itu sebab bagi kau, apa yang penting adalah isinya, kualitinya. Kau nampak, cermin itu, benar-benar mencerminkan dirimu. Ia tidak hanya memperbesarkan pantulan kesempurnaanmu atau keburukanmu semata seperti kebanyakan cermin lain tetapi ia berlaku jujur dengan celamu. Just, honesty. Hanya tika itu baru dapat kau lihat, betapa cermin itu cantik di matamu. Apa yang cantik itu bukan kilauan permatanya, tetapi refleksi telusnya. Puji orang pula mungkin sudah kurang enak didengar, iyalah, cermin lama. Tampak buruk di mata manusia tapi tika itu kau sudah tidak akan kisah kata orang pada cermin itu.  Bagi kau, makin cermin tu dimamah usia, makin cantik ia di mata engkau. Pujian orang padanya kau terima dengan hati lapang, nista padanya kau buang tanpa setelah diambil kira pandangan yang berpadanan, dan kau berjanji akan jujur pada refleksi cermin itu."

"Because you have found your number eight reflection," serentak mereka mengutarakan isi itu lalu tergelak bersama.

Hadi mengangguk, memahami apa yang cuba disampaikan sahabat baiknya, Wahid. 

"Terima kasih, bro, and may our friendship also go in the direction of a number eight figure," ucapnya dalam senyuman yang lebih lebar disambut pelukan erat dari Wahid.

Feb 6, 2013

Demons by Imagine Dragons

   Ever since I started listening to Imagine Dragon's music, I kinda get hooked. I love it how heir music diversify beautifully, so different from one to another. It took me quite some time to go song by song. I don't know about you guys but I found some songs sometimes are kinda deep. It really is hard to tell what exactly the song writer is trying to convey by his music only by listening and assuming. Sometimes I wish that each song comes with the description of the background on how the song was inspired and written with the meanings and all or maybe there are MusicLiterature classes where we could interpret song lyrics haha lulz. One of the songs I love, thus making it qualified as this week's music choice (bajit Billboard chart haha) is . . . *drumroll

Wait, the tittle is already up there. Oh well. 

I just love the trail of imagination it could initiate at the first hearing and the way it opens up to so many interpretations.

I heard this quite a few times, sometimes I see it as a friend, sometimes as Kang Maru (no kidding lulz :P ), sometimes as parents and sometimes, simply as a human being.

Anyway, enjoy and feel free to contribute your view :)

Feb 5, 2013

Tasteless Coffee


I've heard a super tsugoi analogy between hardship and life today. I altered it a bit though but still . . .

     There was once a young man who had encountered so many many many hardships and endured so many many many unfortunate events in his life that he almost give up his life. His last resort was meeting a very famous motivational speaker at his town, sort of. He was hoping to get some advice. Let's just picture that speaker as an old wise guy with white beard wearing tiny spectacles, well now I'm picturing Dumbledore -.-'  Ah well that'll do. 

     So anyway, the young man asked the old man, "Oh wise old man, I have encountered so many hardships in my life. How do I deal with this?" And the old man told him, "Go to my kitchen. Take a handful of coffee powder and a glass of water. And the young man did as he was told. "Now, put that coffee into that glass of water and drink it. How does it taste like?" Asked the old man. The young man did as what he was instructed and drank it. "Bitter!" he exclaimed after having a taste of one drop of it. His face contorted as he tried to neutralize his taste bud by licking his lips. He couldn't bring himself to drink all of it. "Exactly." responded the old man and then he instructed him, "now go take another handful of coffee powder and come with me." The young man went to get another handful of coffee powder and followed the old man to a well. 

     He poured down the coffee powder into the well, and asked the young man to have a taste of it. "Now how does it taste like?" the old man asked. "Nothing, tasteless. It's not bitter at all." said the young man with a puzzled face, not knowing what exactly  does this prove. "Now young man, that is life." Said the old man, smiling at the young man's puzzled face. He continued, "Your hardship in life, was a handful of coffee powder. If you put it in a glass of water, it'll taste bitter but if you put it in a well, it has no taste at all. Now that glass and well, is your heart. If you accept the hardship with an open heart, it'll be a breeze but if you accept it with a small heart, it'll suffocate you. You see the main crux here is not how many hardships you have in life, but how open your heart is as you accept and deal with them." 

The young man smiled.

Foot paddler

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people." (2:286)

When in difficulties, looking at the people who have it worse than us could help us to be thankful, insyaAllah.

And hey, we got sugar so why must we let it be bitter?


Feb 2, 2013

Love Letter #3


Picture of a baby loggerhead sea turtle in the waters off Florida

"Mungkin Dia mahu mendidik, agar kekuatan itu kita cari dari-Nya yang terutama, bukan sokongan manusia semata."

One's doubt actually taught us to have faith in ourselves which in the journey of establishing one, we look for the ultimate source of faith.

May He guide us to the right path, and remind us of things we tend to forget in the wonders of everyday life.

Jan 27, 2013

It's Time by Imagine Dragons

At some point, you're gonna have to start anyway. Somewhere, sometime.

It's time to begin isn't it?

Jan 25, 2013

Another Dot

I'm letting it all go.

Wish list reviewed, 
and finalized.

It's not giving up,
it's being realistic.

Maybe I'm putting another label to it, 
maybe it has just occurred to me how absurd they all were.
maybe I'm just running away.

Regardless of what it actually is,

I'm still letting it go.

this will end up somewhere good/better.


Jan 18, 2013

Book Review: Extremely Loud Incredibly Close

     Unexpected incidents caught our emotions off guard. My question is, even if we do prepare ourselves for such loss, could we be sure that we will be okay? Would we handle things differently or will the overwhelming emotions still be catching on us?



Thank you Eera Zaher, for lending this to me :)

     As I put the book down, I had this bottled up feelings inside of me, which content are from the emotions that all the characters have been going through. Like I was a part of them too. Oskar Schell, aged 9 has lost his father to the 9/11 incident. They had a very close relationship so it was very hard for him to deal with the loss. Different people dealt with their loss differently but they always got to the same place as they walk, a wall. There will always be this big, solid invisible wall built from all of your emotions that separated you from the real world. They could come in a square, a circle, a rectangle or even triangle with you in the centre of it, trying to find your way out. Or the wall could be in your way from reaching a destination. Or the emotions could come in a form of a boulder which you will be pushing in a circle. Your emotions determine the strength of the wall (or the boulder). The more intense your emotions are, the stronger the walls are. To break them down, you're gonna have to deal with your emotions first. If only we could ship away the feelings that we do not want to feel. Could we do that? I guess that's impossible. 

     "It was so dark that it was even hard to hear."

A mom lost a husband. An unborn child, lost a father.

Could it still be called a loss when the father himself chose to walk away? 
Whose loss will it be? 
The father's? 
Or the wife and the unborn child's?

A son loses a father. A wife loses a husband. A mom loses a son and a father loses a son. 

And the father who left came back to mourn over his son's death. The one that he chose not to be with when he was still alive. Irony.

     The losses on the book rooted in the events in which they do not have the power to stop them. A war. The 9/11 terrorist attack (so they said). In the book, after his father's death, Oskar found a key in a blue vase in his father's closet with a name on the envelope the key was put in, Black. He then set a search to find the lock to which the key could open, with the three clues; the key, a name and a vase. He was determined to go to every Black in the city and find the lock of the key. In his journey, the life of his family unraveled, told in different shades of colours but still revolving around the same story, a loss. Oskar's determination to find the lock was almost illogical. It would probably take him years to go to all the Black in the city and he still had a slim chance of finding the right lock but he was determined to find it. 

     The book is fascinating in a way how the characters dealt with their loss, very uniquely. In his visits, there was a Black who drew the face of the same man over and over again, there was a couple who made museums of each other, there was a person who lived in the Empire State Building since her husband died, and has not gone down since then. There was a Mr. Black who had always prepared snacks just in case the person he was waiting to come back show up. Mr. Black who lived upstairs had a tree that he pulled out of a park which he put in his bedroom, the tree which his wife stumbled over the root. After his wife died, he put a thumbtack every day on the tree until the tree becomes a mini magnet. How a couple separated because the husband was mourning too much in his past mistakes with his late father that it affected his marriage. The name Black itself is symbolic with what the colour is usually associated with. Darkness, emptiness, unpleasant things.

"I'm so afraid of losing something I love I refuse to love anything."

     Another part that I loved was about his grandparents' relationship. They were survivors of the German war, in Dresden. They met each other in US and got married. His grandfather slowly lost his words in his speech and soon after, he stopped talking. Funny how his whole life since then could be seen in the pages on the books he used to communicate with people.  They also had Nothing and Something area in their apartment. Whenever one was at the Nothing area, the other one must pretend that he/she does not exist, invisible. I guess when you had survived a grueling war and has lost the people so dear to you, sometimes when the memories came back you just need a space to evaporate yourself. To go to a place that does not even exist because it can further convince you of your non-existence. To not care and to not be cared for. You just want to be invisible even for a while. He left after he knew that the grandmother was pregnant. It violated the rules that they had agreed on, no children but he wrote letters to his son everyday ever since. To my unborn child, to my son. Most of them were not sent. His grandmother only ever gave one letter that the grandfather sent to his son.

     Another thing that I love about the book is the pictures. Yes, those up there and also these;

     By the end of the book, Oskar did found the lock of the key but it has got nothing to do with his father, it was someone else's father. There was also no mentioning whether he got over the grief or not. I guess it is hard, dealing with loss but I guess it's a part of the process in life. Our relationships with other people, are attachments of the world in which we could be broken beyond repair if we hold on to it too tight. But that does not mean that we should not love at all. I guess it would be a good idea to draw a line. I am not in any position to comment on this as different people would be dealing with different level of pain depending on what causes it.

But hey, I love this book.

To all those suffering from sadness or depression, know that it isn’t your fault. It isn’t because you’re weak. It isn’t because you’re just not grateful enough. It isn’t because you’re just not religious enough. It isn’t because you don’t have enough faith. It isn’t because God is angry with you. To all the well-meaning people who tell you this, just smile. And know deep in your heart that the tests of God come in different forms to different people. And know that, by the help of God, every test can become a tool to get closer to Him. And that, verily, with hardship come ease–and like all things of this world–this too shall pass.
(Yasmin Mogahed)