Jun 3, 2017

Sugar Spice & Everything Nice

How many times have you found yourself saying "I'm fine" when there are clearly things that are bothering you?

Do you remember what's your default answer to "Is everything okay?"
You probably don't because it has been so much ingrained in your brain that it becomes automated. Uttered by your mouth, summoned from the subconscious that you can't even reach.

Is your life really as good as how you portray it on Instagram? Do you spend as much time improving your life as how you spend the time editing your photos? Erasing all the flaws. A bit more bright colour on saturation. Get the temperature down a lil if it's too hot to handle (literally speaking no pun intended). And oh, the caption. Don't forget the caption.

Do you have enough vocabs to mask your honest thoughts on Twitter to be politically correct, putting a disguise on your fears, decorating your crisis so that they would come across sounding like an article instead of honesty. Probably.

Are you friends are as many in real life as they are online? Hang on, let me rephrase that. Can you really count your real friends? In reality? 

What do you reach for first thing in the morning? Your thoughts, or other people's?

What do you think about before you hit the hay? Momentary death, or awaiting life?

Hold your thought, don't tell me the answers to any of this. It's not that I am not interested, it's just I am barely catching up with mine. 

Btw darling, you're doing absolutely fine.

Jun 1, 2017


Salam alaik. Hello.

     Alhamdulillah. Masih diberi kesempatan untuk dipertemukan Ramadhan pada tahun ini. Ramadahan has always been a favourite of mine. It's a pretty nostalgic month for me. Behind its door, there are thousands of pleasant memories docked safely in my mind. I remember the advice that Ustazah gave us to not sleep after Ramadhan, that it's better to utilize that time to study (yeah I was a big nerd). I remember studying after sahuur (during Form 4 & Form 5), finishing the homework that I didnt finish because I was too sleepy the night before and headed straight to bed after teraweeh. Come to think of it, school was really tiring back then. We went home at 3.30, tentatively, but usually the normal hour would be 5/5.30 due to extra classes. Oh wait usually in Ramadhan the classes would end a bit early so I guess, 4.30? Then we go back, have some rest, trying to salvage whatever time I have to get any homework done, and then comes iftar. Taraweeh. Sleep. Wake up a lil bit early to study (usually I would drag myself to wake up at 4/4.30). Looking back, I don't even know how did I manage that. Hahahaha. We also sat for some of our papers in Ramadhan. For some reason, this particular memory has been very pleasant for me and I do miss the tadarus at school, the tazkirah. Haaaaihhh.

     Ramadan last year has been a bit challenging for me because technically, it was my first Ramadan away from my family. As in, I spent 2/3 of the month on my own. Actually I was living with my sister hehe. What I meant by challenging was, spiritually. Last time in uni, you still have friends who would remind you of certain things like taraweeh. You still have friends to have iftaar with etc. But last year, man, I was pretty much on my own most of the time. Since I worked in a Chinese kindergarten, of course, I was the only one fasting. That's not a big deal for me, but it was tiring. It feels extra tiring especially because you are the only one fasting and no one to complain with hahaha. And my working hour was from 7.30-4.30. You might not believe it, but, I never even set foot at any bazaar Ramadhan last year. Wait, maybe once or twice with my sister. Oh ya, also that one time when Aiwa was here heheh. Since I always feel tired, I rarely go to mosque for taraweeh :( Most of the time I just pray on my own and head to sleep.

     But last year, since last year was bridled with uncertainties, I guess I was vulnerable as well and that actually was another phase of getting to know myself. Sometimes if I can afford to wake up early, I would do a short prayer before sahuur. Man, that was the time I really prayed, not knowing whether the pleas of a sinner like me would reach Him or not among many other His loyal servants. I got my answer this year, some of my prayers were answered. I've learned a thing or two. And you know, it just dawned on me recently that, in truth, when it comes to pengisian agama, it should focus on ourselves first, in facilitating us in finding inner peace. I don't know about you guys but ever since the working life phase been giving me a lot of existential crisis, it is very hard to find peace within myself. But the verses of the Quran has been very comforting. All this while I have been reading books and quoting them for life insight, it was such a shame that it took me a while to realize that I should do the same with Quran. As in, read it, and understanding it, every verse of it. Learning about it in school is not the same as we learn in sparse and sometimes revising it for exam. Of course, that's just me. My friends are probably better at the penghayatan department hehe. Nowadays, we see that people arguing over the content of Quran and they're too busy to use it to criticize what other people do wrong, whether hijaab is compulsory and mostly on terrorism. Of course, we need to know these verses and learn about them as well. But before that, have you ever really studied it just for yourself? For your inner peace? And have you ever been able to translate that feeling, in advising others so that the teguran would be menyenangkan for them as well? Pardon my rojak but I am actually quite sleepy rn but yeah you get me right.

     As you graduated, not only from university, but also from your student life, from your close-to-family phase, you really learned a lot of things. First is, how to manage yourself in Ramadhan. Before this, I always have my friends to remind each other. And when I go back to my family, we would always pray taraweeh together, no excuses. My mum would remind me to read the Quraan and sometimes boast about her progress heheh. But last year, I had none of that so it really came down to myself to put an effort in all these things. It was not easy for me to be honest. And I regretted it because I don't feel like I have done enough :'| But it is comforting to remember that every effort counts for Him :')

     So this year, is a year of another trial. Praise be to Allah, I was returned back to the embrace of my family hehehehe. It is still very hard for me to fulfill some of my Ramadhan goals. But I am trying.

May Allah, in his abundance of grace and mercy, make it all easier for us.

p/s: my thoughts in this post may be incoherent but ya *cries

Have a blessed Ramadhan loves.