In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.
We started the Love Gathering session today with a video. To put things in a nutshell, the short video is about a guy who bumped into an old friend of his and discovered about his newly wed wife's dark past. Unable to accept the truth, he was devastated, disappointed, angry even for he expected his wife to be perfect although he already knew before that in her younger days, she was not practicing the deen completely. He avoided his wife for about a week, not picking up her calls and not replying her messages. Then a friend of his advised him to just talk to his wife about it and he did. He told his wife that he just wanted to wake up next to his perfect wife that he has married, not going out and being told by other guys things about his wife. He told her that it's disturbing just to think that his wife was with another men. The irony is that, in his younger days, the guy was also not practicing his deen completely, but he defended himself saying that unlike girls, things are different for guys. Then his wife gave him a real an eye-opening question asking that, "Why is it different? Is it different in the side of Allah?" Bam. Headshot.
Our speaker for today was Nor Adibah Rozain. She started off by concluding a few things from the video by first mentioning on what Allah has said in surah an-Nur, ayatul 26,
"Women impure are for men impure and men impure are for women impure; and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honourable."
The story of Saidina Ali r.a and Saidatina Fatimah r.a is a perfect example. Saidina Ali r.a was secretly in love with Saidatina Fatimah r.a but since he felt that he was not competent enough to be with the daughter of the Prophet a.s. compared to the Prophet's close companions who first proposed to Saidatina Fatimah, (who were Saidina Abu Bakar r.a and Saidina Umar r.a). But as Allah had it planned, Ali was the one chosen by The Prophet to become his son-in-law and it turned out to be that Fatimah was also loving Ali secretly before. Okay, I know I'm not a good story teller but from the story, we could see that, for the people who had given their hearts to Allah, HE would surely put your hearts to the place where it belongs to. Why wouldn't we be confident in what HE has promised? :)
When we talk about love, it's a thing that comes naturally without we being able to suppress it or shush it away in a gust of wind. We were asked a question about crushes. Why do we have crushes? What makes us interested to all those crushes that we have? Their looks? Their beautiful voice reciting the Quran? Their leadership skills? Often we are atrracted to our crushes because we only see their physical appearance right? How many of crushes have we had, and how long usually the crushes last? Not long? Longer than we thought it would? Do we think that all those crushes that came staying in our heart do not leave any marks? Of course it will if we fail to keep our guards up. She then quoted Surah an-Nur, ayatul 31.
"And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms, and not to reveal their adornment save to their own husbands or fathers or husbands' fathers, or their sons or their husbands' sons, or their brothers or their brothers' sons or sisters' sons, or their women, or their slaves, or male attendants who lack vigour, or children who know naught of women's nakedness. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And turn unto Allah together, O believers, in order that ye may succeed."
She then talked about shahwat. The nafs. Shahwat here does not necessarily means to imagine the relationship in a sexual way (pardon me, I have to make it clear) but when you see your crushes, and you imagine yourself being with him/her, getting married in a matching dress (oh sweet and segaks nyaa we would think), living a happy marital life and all, now that, is also shahwat. As we see our crushes, and we are awed by their handsome face, and kept on praising his look and how perfect he is, now that, is also shahwat. The danger of it is how we never realize the threat that it poses to our heart. As how she said it, we are in the process of learning right now. Knowledge, is a light which, to the hearts darkened by sins, it would be impossible for the light to come in. The feeling of love, is not to be blamed here, but the way we handle and express it, that is the crux of the problem.
So how do we deal with this? How do we clean our heart? She then shared a few tips. First thing first, lower your gaze. I find myself nodding slowly to this. It is quite hard to keep your look away from handsome guys. Come on, admit it :P Not only to the crushes but also those Korean singers or even other celebrities right? But then, it is actually very important and it was even mentioned in the Quran. It maybe hard, but we could try. Also, she advised to not stalk our crushes' Facebook for every time we set our sight on their photos, that'll only add on to the fire of love (eceh). Do not, EVER, stalk, his Facebook. Istigfar, ask for forgiveness every time he came into our mind. Perform solat sunat taubat and also be mujahadah (consistent) in our effort. Those are the tips shared. And also, I think fasting is also one of the ways recommended by experts. She then added, and if we tried all those but still we are unable to control the feelings, pray that Allah would ease it all for you to get married and be in love in a halal way.
"Kalau cinta pasti ingin membawa ke syurga."
Why worried that we will not find the love of our life? What should we be concerned about now is actually in improving ourselves. Someone has once said, if you would want to know how your spouse is going to be like, look at yourself. So we wanted a husband who always pray on time, a family man, respect his parents and kind, reflecting back to ourselves, do we already have those qualities that we expected our future husband to have? Hm, fair enough. Marriage, is a serious business. From our marriage, we wish to have soleh and solehah children but the first thing to ask is actually, are we prepared? Are we good enough to hope for a soleh spouse? The process of educating our children, does not start from the moment we are married. It does not start from the moment our children are born, but it actually starts now, before we even get married as how we are preparing ourselves for parenting roles. As we educate our children, we hope that they can also benefit the society. So let us ask ourselves first, are we one of those people? Are we fit enough to be that kind of parents? Something to reflect on.
Also, when we find the love of our life, do not expect perfection. Accept him the way he is. Accept his weaknesses and appreciate his perfection. We are not in any position to judge anyone, for we are also human, flawed and never was perfect. Adibah also mentioned that, if we are already perfect, then there would be no room for improvement. True true true.
I guess that is all that I can remember from the talk. May it benefits more than it harms. Have a happy weekend guys. May Allah bless us :)
Date of talk: 16th November 2012.
Speaker: Nor Adibah Rozain
Event: Love Gathering CBAF (Charity Begins at Faculty)