Torn Between The Options

Assalamualaikum.

Here I am again, talking to myself, sitting at a red light.

Both hands on the wheel

How am I supposed to feel?

So much running through my mind

The Getaway_Hilary Duff

     These few days I've been kinda busy. Last weekend we had kenduri kesyukuran home and yeah, lotsa things to do. And at the same time I've been kinda busy settling things that grown ups do. Man, no one told me that there's just too much things to deal with as you grow up. Haha. As if. Anyway, yesterday me bestie and me went to the town. Done with some things and we dropped by a textile shop. What a coincidence, we met a senior of two years there. She's apparently working part time. It's sem holiday. So we were talking the normal things that students talk about when they met up, where are you studying now and everything related. Well, it turned out to be that she was also a TESL student, now majoring English for Professional (don't remember the long name :P) in UiTM Shah Alam. And she also studied in UiTM Kuantan for her foundation. Ahhh, how come I never knew that. Haha. She got pretty excited when she knew that my bestie got the same course as hers because she has never met juniors that is in the same course that she is. So they talked about their course. Funny, she told us that during her batch, her foundation course mates mostly aimed for English for Professionals for their Degree. As she explained more about her course in a very fun way and everything, I was like T_________T

     Well her course sounds more fun. It is more of communicating to people and they work on big companies like Sime Darby and they had a chance of being executive. Way back then, when we first filled up the UPU form, I have once thought of cheating with TESL and go for English for Professional. Because as I go through the course, I didn't find myself as passionate as I thought I would be about teaching.   I was torn between the options and yeah, I was kinda afraid of what would happen if I don't choose TESL. What if I got rejected for the course too and other ifs. And I thought of thinking about the pros and cons about those courses first and then maybe, MAYBE I'd change the options later. Little did I know that they would call for MeDSI first before they open up for second phase UPU. You don't need MeDSI for Prof Eng, just good pointer and band 4. So the chance is pretty good and not so many people are there in the course. And only UiTM offer this course. Then I said to myself, if I don't pass this MeDSI thing, it is a sign that I should go for the another one. And when the result came out, I passed. And there's the interview. Then I told myself again, if I don't pass the interview, then third option it is. And I passed. And I got TESL. Maybe this is the right sign. That TESL is the one. It's the matter of future I'm dealing with. I wouldn't wanna spend my life doing something I'm not really into. My heart is torn between the options. And my senior said that I still have time to kinda ask for changing the course. Well, she didn't specifically said that and of course it's gonna be kinda tough but still, there's a chance. 

     I thought of lotsa things. What I promised my parents. What I really want. And the question that will I be able to pull off the course along the way. Because you know, my lecturer once told me, between the things that you want and you can do, it's different. "Dah kalau minat pun tapi tak boleh bawak course tu, tak boleh jugak." The only thing that's repelling me from the course is the thought that they have financial subject. Financial means calculating and calculating means Math! And oh my, I seriously dislike Math! And I told myself that I will never, ever, if possible let my path cross with that M word anymore in the future because, it will be stressing for me. Hahahaha. And yeah, that's one of the reasons why I don't wanna go to Maktab :P And I heard that this course is tougher than TESL and it's in three years. Oh heart, why are you putting my brain in a state of confusion @.@  But then, I've been thinking about this for quite a long time. Funny it is, no matter how much I think I wanted that Prof Eng course, my heart still tell me that, I should go for TESL. It's like a constant alarm as it beats. Well, maybe this time, like the last time, I should listen to my heart. Besides, you don't necessarily had to teach when you take TESL right? Riiiight??? And even if teaching will be a part of my future, who knows that along the way of that four unpredictable years, my heart will adore teaching. And so they say 'it' runs in my blood. We'll see. We'll see. Hahahaha.

     This post is more like convincing myself of something that I was not even sure of. Ughhh. Why must this kinda feelings come now? Dugaan hati datang lagi. But anyhow, Ain Romeli, because you once had this feeling, you should understand better and know that whatever happens, you have given this matter a thought and be convinced that you will have no regrets, InsyaAllah. And you made up your mind and it is what it is, you should know that this is the best. It is what you have always wanted in the first place and there are other people who wanted the same chance but they didn't get it. So you should be more than grateful. Alhamdulillah. You shall go there and take this course to the core of your heart, and you shall let it beats along with your heart and believe that it is a right choice. 

*Take a deeeeeeeeeeeeep breath. 

Okay, Degree, here I come! :D

-If in those four years, you ever had doubts, you shall read this again and remember that it is what the heart says. Listen to it.